I’m having an identity crisis. I see myself. I really don’t see me though. I have been at this company for three years. It was supposed to be a year break until I went back to school. I hate my job. I hate the politics of the corporate world. I want to learn. I want to grow. I don’t get to grow here. They don’t want me. I am disposable. I want to be a human and I am a number here. I’m okay with being a number if I can contribute to the greater good while being left alone. But here it’s micro managed and the things that should make sense don’t. I don’t understand and I strive to want an understanding of my surroundings.
I’m terrified of leaving though because I’m comfortable. This is comfortable because I know how to navigate it. I know the dos and don’ts and which ones I really need to follow. It pays the bills and has vacation days and medical. The benefits are flipping amazing. I need to jump soon. I didn’t leave my ex for years because it was comfortable. I’m not leaving my job because it’s comfortable? Being uncomfortable is comforting. Why? If I were talking to anyone else than myself I’d tell them to dump this place and run far, far away. Pursue your dreams. Make dreams. Do them. Enjoy it.
I want to enjoy it. I want to wake up and feel awake. How do I do that? Does that really come from inside me? Do I have to do this on my own? I want to hold someone’s hand. I can do it. I will do it. I am doing it. This is happening. I see it in the horizon.
I am going to move. Finally put in my notice. I wanted to move far far away but the current plan is to move into an apartment with three of my friends while they finish college. So this should be interesting.
I have to get rid of a lot of stuff. I’m going from having all this space to myself. To moving my stuff out of one room to make room for my friend to move in. To needing to fit all my stuff in a room. A room smaller than the current one I’m on and a normal size closet. I’m a hoarder. Not as bad as my parents or grandma but one nonetheless. I have put together two bags to go to goodwill since I’ve officially decided to move but that’s not even the tip of the iceberg but I’m not sure how much I can get rid of without freaking out. Any suggestions?
Phoebe is going to get to live with a cat. That’s never been a thing. The cat so far doesn’t seem too fond of Phoebe but also not hating her.
This will be an adventure.
It’s been a long time since I’ve wrote. It’s been even a longer time since my thoughts have been this jumbled. I need this space again to let it flow out. It needs a place to sit and be seen or heard or maybe just released. There needs to be a place of truth. It won’t all come at once. I wish it would. I wish I had the time and energy to open the flood gates and pour it into this one post. I’m not going to though. It will drain me. I thought I was being drained before everything taking and pulling everyone wanting something. I think I’m changing the perspective. Talking about it is the draining part. Everyone and everything keep pouring in to this shell that I have that is overflowing with too much. So, instead of procrastinating anymore let’s get started with poking holes in this shell so some of it can leak out.
I don’t know where to start and it doesn’t matter. Honestly, I don’t know if any of it matters but I know that thinking leads me to the deep dark depths of depression. I have gone to enough counseling now that I have the skills and the knowledge to differentiate from my depressive thoughts and the real ones. At least I had enough before I stopped going. It’s been a while since I went. I didn’t necessarily quit. I just stopped going. At the time I was in a good place, at least mentally I was. I realized in my last few meetings with her that I had stopped talking. I didn’t discuss what I felt I needed to talk about but rather what I thought she wanted to hear. They weren’t lies but it wasn’t the truth coming out either. She would ask me simple question that I didn’t know the answer to or didn’t care to explain to her. I felt protective of my thoughts and actions and feelings about certain things. The meetings had become so infrequent that I just felt like it was a lunch commitment with an old friend to catch them up on my life except I didn’t know what was going on with the other party. It started feeling more of a social chore than mental health work. It is what I made it and I made it into something that was no longer helpful to me. Last week I asked my primary care physician for a referral to a new counselor in an email. He told me he wanted me to come in to discuss why I didn’t want to go see my current one and I haven’t responded. It made me frustrated. I threatened in my head that I’ll just find a new pcp too but I’ve said that for about a year.
I haven’t came out. I probably should eventually to my family but I haven’t. They’ve met the girl I’m seeing but I haven’t actually told them. My friends know.
The girl I’m seeing is pretty great. We go through cycles and when we’re good we’re freaking awesome. When we aren’t though, it’s a mess. She has some issues. We all have issues but with me being who I am the things I see get to me more than she understands. I have this strong passion about mental health and she was raised that mental things are fake and shouldn’t be discussed. Which drives me up the wall, pushed me in the corner and makes me cry uncontrollably.
This is where I’ll stop for this one. It’s a good start. Once it’s out there I’ll see how it feels.
I just went through my drafts and found this entry that I never posted. It’s still true, I miss Bella. I got to visit where she’s buried on Christmas. I haven’t gotten another dog yet. My grandmother has found a dog she is trying to talk me into keeping but it’s not Bella or a dog that I’d like to have.
The below entry was written 331 days ago.
I miss my schedule with Bella. Id wake up in the middle of the night and either she would already be touching me or I’d readjust to have my leg get heat from her. Unless it was super hot and I would try to move away from her and by the time I got comfortable she’d move closer.
I’m glad she was in my life.
My mind is pretty chill. It’s strange. I get to give myself positive feedback and tell the negative ones to go fuck themselves. It’s taken a while to get to this point but it was worth it. I still have depression and anxiety but the fear of it being a life long battle has lessened. I know it’s there. I still have the same thoughts and voices in my head I’ve just figured out how to control the volume a little more.
I’ve neglected this space for a while now. I’ve thought about it often but haven’t sat down to make the effort. I could go back and fill you in on what’s happened but then by the time I get to the place I want to be, I’ll find a way to avoid it again. I guess this is my way of focusing and forcing myself to jump right in instead of hiding from myself. It’s time to think, feel, learn, realease and move forward. This is me trying.
The void is still there. It never went away. It’s lurked around, sulking that I’ve been ignoring it or too busy to give it the time of day. I knew it I hadn’t gotten rid of it forever but that I had found a way to cope, to deal. It’s really no difference now than before except I have the better skills.
I’m feeling remorseful and discouraged. I guess I’ve had it in my head that since I have the new skills I wouldn’t have the same feelings. Logically, I know this isn’t the way. Emotionally, it seems tragic that I’m in this place again.
I now reserve the right to use this place for my thoughts, for my feeling. You also have the right to disagree or agree or have no feelings about this at all or anything in between. I feel like something is missing. Something is out of place. Or not there at all. I don’t feel like I’ve lost it cause that would mean I had it in the first place. The self that was raised in the country where there are churches close enough to throw rocks from one to another, would tell me that I need God. I’d used to agree with that but I’m not sure if it was my true self or the one amid to please others and do what was expected of me. The self I am now, at this current moment is unsure. I don’t think it’s religion I’m missing or the concept of religion. There is this hole, this pit, this emptiness where I believe my depression had taken a piece of my brain and is using it as a host. Maybe it is a higher power that I’m missing but I’m not finding comfort in this thought or any pull. Maybe it’s exhaustion. Or just depression with a side of anxiety. Or anxiety with a side of depression. Whatever it is I don’t want to feel more empty than I do happiness or satisfied.
Which came first the chicken or the egg? Which comes first a job or a place to live?
My job contact ends in June. My apartment lease ends in July. I need a new job and a new place to stay. I need money to pay for the roof over my head and I need a roof over my head to get to rest for the job.
We could literally go anywhere. Anywhere! We could stay here. We could go there. We could go back to our parents. I don’t want to go back to my parents. Aaron is going to move in July with me. We are making the next step of living together.
We both don’t have jobs lined up right now. Or a place to live. It causes a sense of panic in myself. While Aaron is “it will work out”. I know it will but we take different approaches to making it work out. I’m looking for places and jobs and locations and prices and budgets. He’s…ummm looking at what I sent him.
We’ve talked about how he has a more laid back, it will work out, wait it out, it’ll fall in my lap type attitude. While I’m over here practicing breathing techniques because I’m about to lose my shit, frantically clicking all the buttons at once trying desperately to figure out if it’s the chicken or the egg.
We are both trying in our own ways to figure it out. We are in the process of finding middle ground. We are trying to have open communication about our thoughts.
We’ve both applied for some places to work. We also went to look at a place last weekend. We are actively looking.
He found his bother a job. His brother got the job and starts Monday and will be sleeping on my couch while my roommates gone. I’m glad his brother has a new job but I’m kind of salty that it isn’t Aaron coming to stay with me. I’ve thought several times Aaron was moving in and it hasn’t happened yet.
Now we need to discuss more things like is his brother going to live with us? Is his brother bringing his boyfriend to live with us, Is the boyfriend bringing his cat? Rent would be cheaper but what about the levels of sanity? Would it still get to be a place I look forward to coming home to if more people are living there? Do we want my current roommate and her two cats living with us? Are we getting a dog? Are we going to try to foster dogs?
Which comes first? A place to live or a job? The chicken or the egg?