Missing my Bella 

I just went through my drafts and found this entry that I never posted. It’s still true, I miss Bella. I got to visit where she’s buried on Christmas. I haven’t gotten another dog yet. My grandmother has found a dog she is trying to talk me into keeping but it’s not Bella or a dog that I’d like to have. 

The below entry was written 331 days ago. 

I miss my schedule with Bella. Id wake up in the middle of the night and either she would already be touching me or I’d readjust to have my leg get heat from her. Unless it was super hot and I would try to move away from her and by the time I got comfortable she’d move closer. 

I’m glad she was in my life. 

Volume Control 

My mind is pretty chill. It’s strange. I get to give myself positive feedback and tell the negative ones to go fuck themselves. It’s taken a while to get to this point but it was worth it. I still have depression and anxiety but the fear of it being a life long battle has lessened. I know it’s there. I still have the same thoughts and voices in my head I’ve just figured out how to control the volume a little more. 

Let’s get down to business 

I’ve neglected this space for a while now. I’ve thought about it often but haven’t sat down to make the effort. I could go back and fill you in on what’s happened but then by the time I get to the place I want to be, I’ll find a way to avoid it again. I guess this is my way of focusing and forcing myself to jump right in instead of hiding from myself. It’s time to think, feel, learn, realease and move forward. This is me trying. 

The void is still there. It never went away. It’s lurked around, sulking that I’ve been ignoring it or too busy to give it the time of day. I knew it I hadn’t gotten rid of it forever but that I had found a way to cope, to deal. It’s really no difference now than before except I have the better skills. 

I’m feeling remorseful and discouraged. I guess I’ve had it in my head that since I have the new skills I wouldn’t have the same feelings. Logically, I know this isn’t the way. Emotionally, it seems tragic that I’m in this place again. 

I now reserve the right to use this place for my thoughts, for my feeling. You also have the right to disagree or agree or have no feelings about this at all or anything in between. I feel like something is missing. Something is out of place. Or not there at all. I don’t feel like I’ve lost it cause that would mean I had it in the first place. The self that was raised in the country where there are churches close enough to throw rocks from one to another, would tell me that I need God. I’d used to agree with that but I’m not sure if it was my true self or the one amid to please others and do what was expected of me. The self I am now, at this current moment is unsure. I don’t think it’s religion I’m missing or the concept of religion. There is this hole, this pit, this emptiness where I believe my depression had taken a piece of my brain and is using it as a host. Maybe it is a higher power that I’m missing but I’m not finding comfort in this thought or any pull. Maybe it’s exhaustion. Or just depression with a side of anxiety. Or anxiety with a side of depression. Whatever it is I don’t want to feel more empty than I do happiness or satisfied. 

Which comes first? 

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Which comes first a job or a place to live? 

My job contact ends in June. My apartment lease ends in July. I need a new job and a new place to stay. I need money to pay for the roof over my head and I need a roof over my head to get to rest for the job. 

We could literally go anywhere. Anywhere! We could stay here. We could go there. We could go back to our parents. I don’t want to go back to my parents. Aaron is going to move in July with me. We are making the next step of living together. 

We both don’t have jobs lined up right now. Or a place to live. It causes a sense of panic in myself. While Aaron is “it will work out”. I know it will but we take different approaches to making it work out. I’m looking for places and jobs and locations and prices and budgets. He’s…ummm looking at what I sent him. 

We’ve talked about how he has a more laid back, it will work out, wait it out, it’ll fall in my lap type attitude. While I’m over here practicing breathing techniques because I’m about to lose my shit, frantically clicking all the buttons at once trying desperately to figure out if it’s the chicken or the egg. 

We are both trying in our own ways to figure it out. We are in the process of finding middle ground. We are trying to have open communication about our thoughts. 

We’ve both applied for some places to work. We also went to look at a place last weekend. We are actively looking. 

He found his bother a job. His brother got the job and starts Monday and will be sleeping on my couch while my roommates gone. I’m glad his brother has a new job but I’m kind of salty that it isn’t Aaron coming to stay with me. I’ve thought several times Aaron was moving in and it hasn’t happened yet.

Now we need to discuss more things like is his brother going to live with us? Is his brother bringing his boyfriend to live with us, Is the boyfriend bringing his cat? Rent would be cheaper but what about the levels of sanity? Would it still get to be a place I look forward to coming home to if more people are living there? Do we want my current roommate and her two cats living with us? Are we getting a dog? Are we going to try to foster dogs? 

Which comes first? A place to live or a job? The chicken or the egg? 

Test day

I took my GRE today. It’s a step in the right direction for furthering my education but like I said in a previous post I didn’t feel prepared. 

I wasn’t as anxious as I thought I’d be until I was driving to the test. Then everything in my brain went to shit. Mostly I got very flustered that I didn’t bring anything to write with. I tried to calm myself down but then when I googled it at the testing center I was supposed to have a printed confirmation document and a non mechanical pencil. I had neither. I had my id and myself. Turns out you don’t have to have either one of those. They provide pencils. 

When going into the testing area you have a photo taken of you. You write in cursive that you are who you say you are. Then you have to turn your pockets inside out, shake your hood, lift up the bottoms of you pants and then they wave the medal detector bar over your whole body. 

I’m below average but I expected that. Even with expecting it I’m still bummed about it. I tried. I did the best I knew how to do. 

GRE

I’ve put off taking my GRE for a little over a year now. 

My plan was to take it before I completed undergraduate but that didn’t happen. Then the plan was to take a year off school then go back. That also isn’t going to happen because I’ve put off taking my GRE. 

I now have it scheduled for this Saturday. I’ve been studying but I’ve continually have the feeling of I could be doing more. You can always be doing more when it comes to studying and school. It’s a constant stress that you feel guilty for taking a break from. 

I’ve been struggling to actually comprehend what I need to learn for the GRE. It’s generalized testing, which isn’t my favorite. What’s the probability that what I learn will even be on the test? I could spend hours learning more about exponents and fractions but what’s the actual chance that figuring out how to do them will benefit me on the test? 

What ifs, what if, what freaking ifs keep crawling their way into my brain. They consume me. They blacket the potential forward momentum with its doubts. 

Does it even matter? Do I even want to go to graduate school? Do I want my masters? My doctorate? School nearly kills me every semester, correction, I consider death as a possible solution.
School becomes the only thing I know. It’s the only thing that matters. I could be doing more and I’m not so therefore I’m a failure.

I cut myself off from the world because of the guilt I feel when I’m not doing school related things. There isn’t a balance. I hear that graduate school has no balance for people that normally have balance. What happens when an unbalanced persons does more unbalancing things? Graduate school may be the end of me. 

Backing things up about 17 steps, I have the GRE on Saturday. Am I prepared? Well, depends on who’s standards your going by. If you’re asking me personally, do I think I’m prepared? No, never will be, I’ll never be good enough. 

Friends from a previous time 

How do you keep in touch with people from your past? Do you make the effort to continue being friends with people you’ve concidered friends in the past? 

It’s a terribly difficult task for me. I don’t have the drive to have conversations with people that think they know me but when they have very little idea what’s going on. That may be my fault because I don’t let people know what’s going on, wait, I used to not let people know what’s going on. I’ve been working on it.

Maybe this is why I feel more connected with my current group of friends than I ever have with my previous friends. I allow myself to be me. I let them see how I’m doing on good days and bad. 

Then if I’ve figured out how to let people into my snow globe life, could I then let my past relationships out of the darken corners where I left them? Would I want to do that? Would they want that? 

What about when I move in July? Will I continue to keep the friends I have now? Will I make the effort, will they? 

How do you talk to people? No, seriously, how do you let people in when they aren’t in the normal schedule of your life? How do you let someone who has this snapshot imagine of you see what’s actually behind the smiles and nervous laughs when you don’t have the opportunity to see them face to face? 

My intimate relationship has struggled on for almost 3 years now because I moved here. I’ve let so many relationships go either by choice, neglect or by the decision of others. 

Is it worth trying to connect with people from your past?  

 

Or do you just let them fade away?