Nights like tonight

I just want it to stop.


Home eyebrow waxing

Aaron and I decided that instead of getting my eyebrows waxed professionally we would do it at home and it would be way cheaper in the long run. Yes, and by cheaper I now know that means ripping off more than half my eyebrow.
I knew it was going to be an adventure when Aaron refused to read the instructions on how to apply the hot wax. Then while it was being applied we discussed how there are these strips that I could have used instead of microwaveable wax.
We let it dry and harden. Then very quickly the wax is ripped off…with most of my eyebrow. The laughter that came out of Aaron’s body was horrifying. I really thought I might not have an eyebrow at all. No worries though I still have some of it, blotchy patches of hair but there.
We had already gone too far by this point, we had to keep going.
20 minutes later we are both laughing so hard and have now decided that next time I might want to just go get them done.
Pain is beauty? Partial eyebrows are the most beautiful!!

A scale in the bathroom

I’ve tried to have a positive body image. I try to like myself and the way I look. I try to not engage in the endless game of fat talk. I try to be positive. I try to look at my body as if it is one piece instead of cut up into segments that I like and don’t like.
In the bathroom at work they have a set of scales. From the first day I started I’ve tried to ignore them. They sit in the corner in front of the full length wide mirror. I walk past them. I try not to look at them.
I don’t own scales in the apartment. When I was going to the doctor nearly weekly I started getting them to weigh me without telling me. I’ve gone to a nutritionist and she would weigh me but I didn’t want to focus on that.
I know myself enough to know that if I focus on my weight I will do some really unhealthy things. I will obsess over food and not take care of my body.
I gained nearly 20 lbs when I started taking my meds and my appetite came back. I know a general idea of what I weigh but not exactly.
So after nearly three weeks of pretending the scales weren’t there I broke today. I stepped on. I took a deep breath and did it. I then cried at my desk. I’ve gained another 20 lbs.
Why? Why da fuck would there be scales in the bathroom at work? Why the fuck is society okay with this? Why the fuck was I okay with this? I’m all about the concept of being healthy but who’s idea was it to put a scale in the women’s bathroom? Why is every conversation I have with women at work they bring up weight? I’ve met three women on the entire floor that have not brought up how they need to exercise more to lose weight. Why am I dressed in several layers to look professional? Why do I have the urge to go immediately after work to buy a pair of fucking spandex to suck my body into the “ideal” shape? Why am I even worried about it? Do the men have scales in their bathroom at work? Do they have a full length mirror? Do they spend hours getting ready? Why do I feel less than with the more I do to be more? Why is it I feel unladylike when I don’t own foundation? Why do I have the need to buy chemicals to put on my face? What is up? Why? Just why do I feel fat and ugly? Why have I worried for hours if I should go buy new makeup to wear to work? Why do I need to bother? Why do I paint my nails?
Why the fuck? Just why? Fuck!


I don’t want to be beautiful!

At work I’ve been trying to figure out from my female coworkers if it is possible for heels to not hurt your feet. The dress code is business casual but there are some people that wear rainbow flip-flops while others wear heels every day. I’ve been wearing my flats that hurt my feet until I got paid on Friday.

I went to the section of the shoe store that I normally walk past. You know, the “old” lady section. The section that has the shoes that grown ups wear. The shoes that people wear who are on their feet all day and don’t want their feet to hurt. I normally wear flip-flops or sneakers. I bought myself a nice pair of black flats that I hoped wouldn’t hurt after wearing them for 9-10 hours. I’ve been wearing them for nearly a week and it hasn’t been too bad. They only made a small sore spot.

I’ve been taking my own little survey about shoes. From what I heard it really depends on the person. Someone who wears flip flops all the time says that heels always hurt. Then the people that wear heels say that they can sometimes find the right pair that works.

Today I asked a woman who wears nothing less than a 2inch heel everyday. She made me laugh a lot while we were talking because she called her heels small. She explained that her cousin is over 6 feet tall and wears nothing smaller than a 4 inch heel. If I were to wear a 2 inch heel that would be the biggest heel that has ever been on my foot.

My boss heard me laughing and came over to see what was so funny. I awkwardly told him that I needed to know if there was a heel that doesn’t hurt. He shrugged and said “Pain is beauty.” I very loudly protested saying “I don’t want to be beautiful then!” 

Yes, today I told my boss I don’t want to be beautiful. 

Two thumbs up!!

Some days I just want to cut

Some days are just bad. That’s part of why I started this blog so I could have a place for all the days not just the good ones. A place where I could still say what needs to be said. A place of my own outside of my head. Just a place.

Somedays the urge to self harm is overwhelming. Today, yesterday, most of the week has been one of those days. I wonder if this is just how it’s going to be forever.
Somedays the urge is just the only thing I hear but is that what I want to keep in my safety net.
My safety net should have “safe” things in it like writing…like right now. Trying to make me feel better. But I know that self harm will also make me feel better with the rush I feel.
I’m tired and want to stop fighting the urge.
Either go away urge or I’m scared I’ll give into you.