Update three- Relationship

Recently I finally said something about being unhappy in my romantic relationship, or lack there of. Aaron and I talk about moving in together like most other couples do and getting married or not getting married, having kids or not, city or not, rent or own, blah blah life planning stuff. Then one day I realized that he was being serious. He was asking me if he could move in. Fuck!

I didn’t know if I was ready for him to be in my space. We’ve been together for two years and have lived at least 45 minutes apart to 2 hours apart the whole time. Adding him into my life, my actually day to day, in my space, in my apartment life…I freaked out. I talked about it a lot in counseling. Then I finally asked my roommate if he could move in. I was half hoping she would hesitate so I could wiggle my way out of saying yes. But she was totally fine with it. She actually seemed excited about it. Added a 3rd person, splitting rent, having someone actually take out the garbage, or actually cook. So, I had to dig deep and decide if this was really the way I wanted things to progress. 

I finally decided that yes, he could move in. If he could keep his shoes out of my walkway I would let us try it. See if we could do it. Hell I even started looking forward to it. This a while back when we had the official talk. He found a police department program he liked. Applied. Got accepted to do the interview process. Made it past the first few hoops that needed to be jumped through. Then the day came for him to do his physical fitness test. After his test he would be accepted into the June 1st program and move in before that. So I would graduate then he would be here. Except for the fact that he didn’t train, at all. He wasn’t worried about it and I hate nagging. He only missed the cut off by a few seconds. The guy told him to email and they would do a retest and if he didn’t pass that time then he would have to wait a year before he could try again. 

Now it’s the end of July and who is living by them self in the apartment? Me. Who is still living in the basement with his older brother and brothers boyfriend? Aaron. Who has two more semesters of a two year school that he has been at for 5 years? Aaron. Does that really matter to me…it didn’t but now it does. I don’t think he is ready to make that kind of commitment yet. I don’t think he has it in him to make the leap. 

I told him that I’m done waiting for something to happen, something to change. He freaked out. Which if he didn’t freak out I would have known right then and there that it was over. But now he is having a meltdown tonight because if he doesn’t pass this math assignment, he isn’t going to pass his test, then not pass the class, be behind another semester, and I’m going to leave him. He has finally scheduled another physical fitness test for this Saturday and has been training for it until, oh you know, this week. He is so worried about this math test and life and the police department. I don’t know how to help him. He won’t let me help him. I don’t know what to do. I did make a push but I don’t know. 

I just want the best for him and the best for me. Even if that means we aren’t together. I want the best for the both of us.

I don’t want to lose him.

He has been the most stable thing in my life the last two years. But I know I can do this without him. 

I love him. I don’t know what I’m going to do. It is big and scary.

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Update two- More Bella

The landlord is a fucking dick. I really am frustrated with how things have been recently. My roommate and I have been living here for a year now and he still creeps me out.

We are spending nearly $1000 a month to live in this shit hole. It’s two bedroom, two bath, kitchen and living room. When we asked if we could put another lock on the door he told us that apartments only have one lock….

I don’t understand what his wife says ever. And he come in the apartment just whenever he feels like it. He asked once if we had gotten panties from victory secret. 

When we got the cats I paid not one but two none refundable pet deposits for $200 dollars and our rent went up $25. So when I found out that Bella was staying I emailed them. They didn’t email me back but waited 3 months before they called and told me that I needed to find a new home for her that she couldn’t stay. 

So now it’s all been worked out and I get to keep Bella here along with the cats but I’m out another $200 and rent went up $35 dollars. 

I didn’t want to write about this while it was going on because I was so overwhelmed with all of and just wanted to hid. 

I didn’t want to move because then I would be paying rent by myself and not have my friends around. Kayla didn’t want to move. I am not getting rid of Bella. She is the reason I get up in the morning. She is the reason I’m trying to keep myself together instead of tearing myself apart. I want to be here because of her. Somedays still are really awful but then she comes and cuddle with me. I pet her and nothing else matters in that moment. She is the best thing that could have happened to me. She gives me purpose and reason. No, I still don’t know the answer to life and the things I don’t understand but when it’s me and her all I do is feel connected to her. She is dog. Dog is good. She is a good dog. 

Of course while I typing that she starts barking at me…

Through all that mess my dad actually tried to be a dad. I actually let him try to be supportive and there for me and he didn’t let me down. I had several breakdowns and anxiety issues but overall I’m working on being proud of myself of how I handled things. 

The friend that I got Bella from and I had a huge falling out recently as well. I was feeling used and stood my ground. It really wasn’t the way I wish things would have been handled but it happened and now I am going to go from here. 

My friend was moving and having surgery and her wife was away and blah blah blah which is how I ended up with Bella. Then she didn’t want Bella back because she is too much to take care of with everything else going on and other pets and moving. So when she moved she gave the roommate one of the cats and two turtles. Then once she got to her new house like 30 minutes away she gave one to a shelter and had the other cat put down. And she said she couldn’t have any pets. blah blah lie lie blah I got her a job interview at the place I’m working. We had a fight. She came in for the job interview. I told her that day that I didn’t think it would be a good idea for us to work together. That ended up blowing up big time. Then she didn’t get the job and is going around telling everyone that I sabotaged her chances of getting it. I truly, pinky promise, swear I didn’t say anything to anyone in management. I only told my coworker/friend about some of the things that were happening after she met my other friend and she had asked if I was okay. Why would I? It doesn’t make sense to me. She didn’t get the job because she is still having more surgery. The day the new person started was the day that she was going to have another surgery. I didn’t do it but if that’s what she thinks happened then I can’t do anything about that. 

So with all of that being said, she now has bought a new puppy. Yes, bought, puppy. 

 

Get Away To Nature

THE EDITOR'S JOURNAL

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An escape from the grind! Located in the village of Comporta, an hour drive from Lisbon, Cabanas no Rio is a lovely romantic escape for those in love with nature. It is designed by architect Manuel Aires Mateus and consists of two wonderfully restored fishermen huts. One is an elegant double bedroom with en-suite bathroom and the other is a living room with a small well-appointed kitchen, both overlooking a stunning landscape.

Can you see yourself here? Or is it a little TOO rustic for you?

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Part One- Update on my life

Yes, just good for now. My snow globe of a life has been shaken and it’s in the mix of settling down again.
Bella is okay. I switched her food on accident because I couldn’t find her current food because it said senior on it and the other one didn’t. So her belly was hurting real bad because of course I didn’t slowly tradition her to the new food. Why would I do that?! (Sarcasm)
While at work I googled how to help her feel better and learned that the food I have her on isn’t good for her because it’s vegetarian. How was I suppose to know?! Anyway, I went back to the store and asked the pet smart person about it. They told me that Bella is considered a senior. Which confirms my issues with being attached to her. I don’t know if a day goes by where I am able to forget the fact that she is going to die. I know, I know, enjoy the time she does have and death happens to everything blah blah. But that just makes me feel insignificant and small.

So there is more to this story but I have to pee and find food.

Your turn- what’s a piece of snow from your snow globe?

Restart-rewelcome

I want to keep blogging. It creates this space that I am me. The real me that hides out a lot of a time. I want to commit to doing it again. Even if it’s just one more good post where I feel like something has been clarified for me. I want it to be more than just one.
This is my rewelcome and thanks for reading and sticking around.
This is my restart. To a better life. To a life I want to live.

Rearrange

I want to rearrange me room. I normally like to do this when I don’t feel like I have control of other parts in my life.
I am glad that right now I have the energy to consider rearranging my room. I feel like it’s a positive sign that I still have enough in me to give a shit. I want to keep trying to care and keep moving. I know that I need to keep going to keep myself from self harming but it’s just so much easier to give in.
I like having control of aspects of my life. I don’t like feeling out of control. When things start feeling uneasy my brain freaks out and goes back to the time in my life when everything was a living hell. It goes back to the months leading up to being raped and the disorder that followed.
I will be really proud of myself if I’m able to post this to my blog. It will be the first time I’ve posted or even mentioned being raped in my blog.
I am trying to take back control. I lost so much of myself that day, those weeks after were indescribably difficult. I hope that I am able to at some point to be able to describe them. To work through all of that and come to terms with it. But I also want to take a moment and be proud of myself, acknowledge, that I’ve even said anything about it. To be able to make the connection that what’s going on in my life right now might not be what’s really bothering me but instead that it has something to deal with my past.
I feel out of control right now, which reminds me of another time I was feeling venerable which in turn makes me want to revert to the things that helped me get through that rough time.
My mother hasn’t talked to me since the beginning of April. My sister is trying to be the go between person to translate the situation. It’s a fucking mess. So since I don’t have very much control over that maybe I’ll rearrange my room today. And keep fight the urge to cut. If I end up cutting then I will still be proud that I am putting other things in my toolkit if trying to keep myself safe. Like writing this post, it has kept me safe, I have made some connections, I took control, it didn’t take something away from me, I reached out. I really wish I could feel the pride I want to feel with that but I’ll accept that I know it is something to be proud of.