Recently I finally said something about being unhappy in my romantic relationship, or lack there of. Aaron and I talk about moving in together like most other couples do and getting married or not getting married, having kids or not, city or not, rent or own, blah blah life planning stuff. Then one day I realized that he was being serious. He was asking me if he could move in. Fuck!
I didn’t know if I was ready for him to be in my space. We’ve been together for two years and have lived at least 45 minutes apart to 2 hours apart the whole time. Adding him into my life, my actually day to day, in my space, in my apartment life…I freaked out. I talked about it a lot in counseling. Then I finally asked my roommate if he could move in. I was half hoping she would hesitate so I could wiggle my way out of saying yes. But she was totally fine with it. She actually seemed excited about it. Added a 3rd person, splitting rent, having someone actually take out the garbage, or actually cook. So, I had to dig deep and decide if this was really the way I wanted things to progress.
I finally decided that yes, he could move in. If he could keep his shoes out of my walkway I would let us try it. See if we could do it. Hell I even started looking forward to it. This a while back when we had the official talk. He found a police department program he liked. Applied. Got accepted to do the interview process. Made it past the first few hoops that needed to be jumped through. Then the day came for him to do his physical fitness test. After his test he would be accepted into the June 1st program and move in before that. So I would graduate then he would be here. Except for the fact that he didn’t train, at all. He wasn’t worried about it and I hate nagging. He only missed the cut off by a few seconds. The guy told him to email and they would do a retest and if he didn’t pass that time then he would have to wait a year before he could try again.
Now it’s the end of July and who is living by them self in the apartment? Me. Who is still living in the basement with his older brother and brothers boyfriend? Aaron. Who has two more semesters of a two year school that he has been at for 5 years? Aaron. Does that really matter to me…it didn’t but now it does. I don’t think he is ready to make that kind of commitment yet. I don’t think he has it in him to make the leap.
I told him that I’m done waiting for something to happen, something to change. He freaked out. Which if he didn’t freak out I would have known right then and there that it was over. But now he is having a meltdown tonight because if he doesn’t pass this math assignment, he isn’t going to pass his test, then not pass the class, be behind another semester, and I’m going to leave him. He has finally scheduled another physical fitness test for this Saturday and has been training for it until, oh you know, this week. He is so worried about this math test and life and the police department. I don’t know how to help him. He won’t let me help him. I don’t know what to do. I did make a push but I don’t know.
I just want the best for him and the best for me. Even if that means we aren’t together. I want the best for the both of us.
I don’t want to lose him.
He has been the most stable thing in my life the last two years. But I know I can do this without him.
I love him. I don’t know what I’m going to do. It is big and scary.