Skinny?

I feel like most things are a waste of time.
Aaron tries to kill time while I try to save it.
I don’t thing either of those work because time is a constant. It’s going to keep doing its thing no matter what I do.
I’ve been sick recently. I’ve gone to three different doctors this week. I have been constantly vomiting for a while but finally got worried when I wasn’t eating and only vomiting my liquids.
I can’t keep any medicines down including my regular antidepressant and sleeping pill.
I’m not pregnant. I’m sure of that. I’ve peed on sticks and they tested my blood and everything. I am not pregnant. That’s the first thing everyone has asked me. I understand. Kinda. Okay, no, I don’t.
They’ve checked my blood and urine for just about everything they can come up with. I’ve had an MRI. Everything has came back normal.
I don’t know what’s wrong. My body is screaming as loud as it can to let me know something’s wrong but it’s speaking a language I don’t understand.
I am extremely blessed with some great people in my life.
I’m starting to get worried that I may be dehydrated. I really don’t want to go to the emergency room though. I would rather just lay here and not move.
I don’t want to be poked anymore. I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to feel like my problem should be seen before the other persons problem but I also don’t want to not feel worthy enough to receive care.
I just feel awful. My head hurts likes it’s going to split open. My throat feels like it’s had stomach acid in it for days. My stomach feels like I’ve been hard core working out.
I want to go shower but that has been where I lose the most of my daily intake.
I can’t deal with this much longer. I might actually cave and go to the ER.
Everyone knows what’s going on except for my family at home. I’ve called but they won’t answer or return my calls.
I don’t think Aaron realizes how shitty I feel. I’m not speaking. I don’t want to speak. Speaking involved too much energy and I’ve already have use my words and have texted him what’s going on. When I open my mouth I vomit so I don’t want to open my mouth to reiterate that I feel like death is trying to run me over with a tractor.
I’m frustrated. At everyone. At everything. I don’t like this. I just want to go back to ignoring that there is anything going on.
I think the part that has hurt the absolute most was when I was at the second doctors appointment and someone said “well as much as you are throwing up you should be skinny by now.”
I haven’t told anyone about that yet. It makes me feel so many feelings. Like I’m not even being sick correctly. Somehow this isn’t the right way to be doing this. I should be thinking about my figure every time I vomit. I should be glad in throwing up, it won’t make losing weight as difficult if I just would do it better.
I understand that it could be taken as “I’m surprised you haven’t lost weight with as sick as you are.” Or “I’m concerned that your body is able to maintain your weight even though you are super sick right now.” Or “normally people who vomit this much has significant weight lose.” But that’s not at all how I heard it or how it was said.
I’m really disappoint that this was the response to I feel awful please help me. I hate society. Body image. Self confidence.
No, I don’t know what’s wrong. Yes, I already have two appointments set up for next week. No, I’m not pregnant unless God made me the next Mary. Yes, I’ve been missing work. Yes, I do have a fear that I will lose my job over this because I’ve been conditioned to think that.
I feel like being sick is a waste of my time. I haven’t done anything productive. What even counts as productive? Does it even matter? Does live even matter? I don’t think it does. Not if I’m suppose to be worried about my weight in a vain way while I’ve been vomiting for four days.

Fog

I am worried that this lasts forever. I know it doesn’t but it really feels that way. I don’t worry that happiness will last forever so why does the fog of depression make it seem this way?
I left work early today and didn’t go in at all yesterday. I’ve finally admitted to myself that there’s is a situation I need to deal with.

Bible and Babes at the Urgent Care

I’ve told you. I know I’ve told you. I’ve told you how much I hate waiting rooms. They make me feel like death is descending from the heavens. It’s awful.
I’ve challenged myself to try to sit here and find my happy photo in here. Try to find something that makes me not feel like death. Challenge accepted. Mission complete.

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Do you see that?!? The child’s reading area at urgent care. The bible story and sports illustrated. What else do children need to read?! Children literature is worthless!!
My coworkers are the best. They asked if everything is okay. My response was
” Well…no…butttttt I came to the doctors so I am sure!! Have I mentioned I hate waiting rooms. This is awful. I’m freaking out and hot and the chick behind me has a jacket on. And the guy beside me didn’t get the memo that if there are two chairs don’t choose the chair beside me choose the other one Sooo he’s tooooooo close and that makes me shrink further down in this really awful chair”
But I do have a funny photo now. AC said “Bibles and babes” I like that. I told her I might use that one.
The two small children just made me smile. They came in and the receptionist said what are you two here for ladies. One said “to see the doctor!” The other one said “get stickers!!”
Maybe that’s my problem I stopped getting stickers when I come. If I knew I would get a sticker for free for being good…maybe I’ll bring this up.
Oh god that was perfect. The nurse said good morning to them and the smaller one lifted her fingers and said “I’m two”
Now they left and I’m still here. I don’t like this.
JS is trying too keep me occupied. She found a puppy yesterday on petfinder. They still have it and now she has to fill out an application and have a home visit or something?! That’s crazy.
She said the form is pretty in depth. I asked if they want to know the brand of her shower curtain.
I hate forms where it seems like they ask for everything. Well how many doors do you have? How many nails are on this door? Wrong doors don’t have nails. Next question how many people have you had sexual intercourse with. In the last 6 months? In the last 18 months? In your lifetime? Wrong you forgot about that one guy next question.
It seems like it might be easier to give birth to a human than it is to adopt this dog.
I like getting dogs from people who don’t want them anymore. Like Bella. Or all my past dogs. One of them I got from the dollar general parking lot. The one before that, there was a sign that said free puppies. The cats were from Craigslist. We saved them from the kill shelter.
I’m excited for JS to get a puppy.

100 happy days-before picture-day 17

I’ve started this journey of becoming healthier a while back. I’m trying to make better life choices.
I want to have healthier coping habits and I’ve worked really hard to do that.
I went to the doctor recently and we talked some about my weight. My family on both sides have health
issues related to their weight.
I’ve talked some about my body image views but in the process of feeling better and trying my best I want to let my body have the ability to do the things I want to do.
I’ve started the physical part of my journey more recently than my mental part but I know they both tie in together. I’ve actually started a few times.
I keep hesitating to actually do anything about it because I’m terrified. I don’t want my words or actions to only be around body image. I don’t want to become obsessed with my weight. I don’t want to create an unhealthy habit by trying to do this. I’m scared. I don’t want to look in the mirror and see where I am and where I have been.
It’s going to be hard and difficult. I need to make lifestyle changes not just for today.
I’ve also talked in counseling about it. So with the help of two professionals and the wonderful Aaron I have recently decided that for 90 days I’ll try this. I’ll actually try this. I will do self evaluation and reality check and do this. No half in half out.
Aaron has agreed to help keep me in check with being healthy about it. I don’t want to focus on numbers. I want to just feel better. I want to see a difference in my body and the way I feel.
Although I’m not focusing on numbers Aaron and I have agreed that I should know what the number is in general. So from my doctors visit I am 183 lbs
. Yes, I know. It’s not bad but it’s also not good. I don’t want to wait until it’s out of control to try to get back to where I am now. Many of my family members are close to 300 lbs. I don’t want to get to 298 and then look at myself and say shit how did I get here.
With all that being said, I have hesitantly taken my before picture. I wanted to mentally but physically I didn’t know of I could bring myself to do it. I’ve put it off for a week and 2 lbs. I went to the gym three times last week and continue to walk Bella. That’s the most I’ve ever been to the gym; ever. So these steps are health and I want to keep them that way. After 90 days I want to take an after picture so I have tangible thing to look at for myself and to see what has happened. I want to actually try this. With a lot of encouragement this is my before picture that was taken this Monday after my shower today.

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Any suggestions before I just jump head first into this journey ?

#100happydays

Queen's Blue

Hi there! Today I want to share my experience with the ‘100happydays’ challenge. 100 happy days is a social media experiment. The organisation challenges people to take pictures of one thing a day that makes them really happy for example your favourite food, hot chocolate after a rainy day it could be anything!

I’ve started this challenge a month ago. I post my pictures on Facebook and Instagram. It is really life changing. I know it seems very cliché, but you’ll learn to appreciate the little things in life. This experiment is a great way to train yourself to find happiness, develop resilience and overcome any obstacle to live the life you want. I would recommend this to everybody, just try it and who knows what the future brings!

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Devestation

I know you’re devastated. I haven’t posted in a few days and you’ve been on the edge of your seat to see what my next post would be. You’ve missed me, I know. I’m so sorry to have left you hanging wondering what my next happy day post was going to be.
To be honest, I didn’t take a picture on Friday. I know what my happy moment was but I didn’t take a picture. I know, you are terribly disappointed. No worries. Just picture a cubical and a computer. Friday at work I was given a task. Wow! I know, right?! But for real this was exciting. My manager was out having surgery and sent me a task to divide up between some coworkers and myself and get it done by end of day Monday. I am honored that I was trusted with this. I work hard and try my best. It’s validating to know that other people, my boss, sees that.
Saturday I did take a picture. Yes, you guessed it. It’s Bella again. But she was just being too darn cute.

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We were riding in my partners jeep. She was so excited to be at his house and to be able to run around without her leash. I was excited to ride with her in the car for a few hours.
Saturday I also went on an adventure with Aaron’s mother, brother and two sisters while Aaron was at work.
Aaron’s mothers car is in the shop and will be there until at least Friday. So since the girls are homeschooled they haven’t left the house in a week and wouldn’t leave for another week. I put gas in the car and we went for a ride.

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This was my attempt of doing a panorama picture.
Then today Aaron and I made a trade. I’ve been wanting a pair of toms shoes for a while but haven’t had the money. I’ve also found this chair on amazon that is really just a bean bag. My roommate and Aaron keep trying to tell me not to get the chair because it will end up with Bella hair on it and the cats will mess it up and blah blah. It goes in one ear and stuck in my brain but I still kinda want it.
Aaron convinced me today that toms were a better choice than the bean bag. He also talked me into actually buying the pair I liked and not flacking and just getting another pair of sneakers. I like wearing sneakers.

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Now I have there greatest pair of toms in all of the land. They scream me. I took Bella for a walk tonight and kinda felt sorry for her. Here I am pink phone case, pink and black shoes Bella has a pink color with pink and black leash. What if she doesn’t even like pink and black?! I’m just kidding. I didn’t feel sorry for her I just felt a little silly.
So I’m counting this post for day 14, 15 and 16 of #100happydays

100 happy days-day 13

Fresh towels from the dryer

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They are so warm and clean smelling. They are free of hair from me and the animals.
Today has been weird. Probably the worst day I’ve had at work. They don’t know about my levels of depression. They know some days I’m quieter than others but today I think they started to worry. I try to mask it but I don’t like the mask. I would rather them know but I don’t want to be held back from getting hired on or continuing my contract because of it. I know that’s not something they should hold against me…
I like doing scale 1-10. I haven’t been doing it as much because it’s been on the lower side but my therapist always asks me. She says 1-10 anxiety and 1-10 depression. Where I just like to try to clump everything together. Today was a wide verity of numbers.
I went to the gym for a third time this week. That’s a new record. I did 25 minutes if cardio. It was ummm different? My knee caps and back of my hands were sweating. Kinda gross.
I also cleaned my room. I tired to keep myself busy and focused on tasks today.