Best day in a month

Today has been one of the better days I’ve had recently. I’m still frustrated with a lot of things but I’m working on being okay. On letting go.
The world of cuteness exploded today. Bella got to meet baby D. It was perfect. Then we got to meet puppy Love. Two dogs, one baby, 4 ladies and a comfy chair.
I don’t know if you can see the excitement in my face but…

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Football Cowboys vs Saints

I can’t wait for tomorrow’s game. Not because of football but because I get to hang out with people. People I enjoy being around. They are excited and I’m excited to be a part of it. They have even said I can bring Bella to meet baby D.
I know next to nothing about football. At work I call it “the football” I wanted to join a fantasy league this year but the group of people I hang out with didn’t want to and I’ve been sick. We have started watching the league on Netflix.
I changed the background of
ALs background to some football play which just so happens to be a saints player so she 100% believed that JS did it.
Then in return AL taped about 25-30 posters in JS cubicle of Cowboy thing and talking smack about the Saints.
I’m amused either way. It’s been fun for me.

Being Sick- Update #3

Okay so I’ll admit the last post had a lot of shitty things in it. I realized there aren’t only bad things that have been going on, there are also a lot of really neat things going on too.

Work has been so super supportive. They are excited when I’m there and check on me if I’m there or not. If I need to come in late, no problem. If I need to leave early, no problem. I missed an entire week, no problem. We’ve got your back. We got cha covered. Just know we want you to feel better. Take care of yourself first! Those are the things I’ve been hearing from my coworkers. I could never have dreamed of a better group of people to work with.

I had a dentist appointment during all of this because I was super nervous about my teeth because of all the vomiting. They were incredibly nice while I was there. Very patient oriented and showed me what they were talking about. They even helped with giving me something to play with in my hand so I had something to focus on instead of my mouth. I told them when I walked in “Hey, I’ve been vomiting, I have a lot of anxiety, I’m very apprehensive about coming to the dentist but it’s been over two years and I’m worried my teeth are getting really messed up.” They were wonderful. Then!!! I had a follow up/lets start drilling your teeth visit that I canceled because I was vomiting a crazy amount and knew I wouldn’t be able to let them play in my mouth and I was really anxious about it anyway and I don’t really have the money for it now…I felt so terribly guilty for canceling. I didn’t go. I did call and explained. Then two days later I have a letter in the mail from them. I thought it was a bill. I walked in and opened it. It was a card. “Emily, We are sorry to hear that you aren’t feeling well. Please get well soon!” Hand written! Signed by everyone in the office! I broke. I broke down. I cried. It was the sweetest thing. Especially with all this other crappy medical stuff I’m trying to deal with. That was so nice of them. They didn’t have to do that but they did. I had gone to the ER to get into the psychiatrist office earlier than the end of October because my referral from my PCP could get me in at the beginning of October but the ER was able to speed up the process and get me in two weeks earlier. But the dentist I picked out on google sends me hand written card. I was sure it was going to be a bill with extra charge for canceling my appointment, I was so positive that’s what it was going to be. It made my day, my week, it restored a part of myself that I lost. I felt cared about. That someone had remembered that I didn’t feel well enough and took the effort to send me a card, the whole office has taken the time and effort to sign it. That’s impressive! I’m blessed. I’m so blessed.

While I’ve been sick Pretty Lady (my roommate) has been keeping apartment things in order and walking Bella a lot! She is the best! I couldn’t imagine anything better. She is working 2 part time jobs, going to school as a Junior for engineering major and minoring in math and taking care of me.

My friend have been great. Wednesday I normally line up someone to walk Bella because Pretty Lady has four classes that day and it’s a really long day for her when she is normally gone from 8:30 am to 9 pm. I had completely forgot to line someone up for the midday walk with Bella. Bella can wait that long but I hate for her to have to. When I was driving home was when I remembered. I pulled up, parked and was prepared to run up the stairs and grab Bella for her walk. I walked in and Bella is sleeping on the couch and the light is on. Someone had walked her. While I was at work. I cried about that too. I was just so relieved and filled with a sense of friendship that I can’t really describe.

My partner took a week off from work to come take care of me. He took a weeks worth of vacation and dealt with me and my cranky self. I hadn’t been able to keep anything down in 17 days. 17 days. Nothing. Not food or liquids. I had already had two iv bags. I was fighting everything in my body to not have a third. It was no good. It was cranky self times 17 times 10. I didn’t want to be in the same room as myself. He stepped up. He made sure I knew someone cared. He doesn’t do these kinds of things. He bought me flowers. I’ve never had anyone buy me flowers but Aaron bought me get well soon flowers that were perfect. I cried. He made sure I had something to drink at all times and a wet washcloth. He handled the vomit bowl so I didn’t have to get out of bed ever 10 minutes to go to the bathroom to vomit. He kept a steady supply of popsicles. He really stepped up. I really, really appreciated it.

My brother has been texting me to check up on me. My sisters tried to start calling more to check on me. She called me yesterday and asked me to please not commit suicide. I explained I didn’t have a plan to right now. Then she said some things I didn’t agree with but she was trying to be supportive. My family is trying to be supportive in their own way. I did go to my twin great aunts 80th birthday party…that was a living hell I’ll just give you the highlights

“I hate to tell you but no one expected you to show up. You don’t have to be here.” Great Aunt by marriage right as I walk in the door.

“Is that the same boy?” “OH! It is? He looks different.” “That’s a long time for you, you normally have a new boyfriend every time I see you.” -Mother’s friend from elementary school asking about Aaron

Arm outreached “Emily? Is that you? I didn’t recognize you since you’ve gained so much weight! Your voice is the same though” -Great aunt who I responded with “Happy Birthday! I’m so glad I got to come see you!”

Mother said two words to me while I was here “Okay” and “Okay”

Father gave me a really awkward hug and started to look like he was going to cry and told me he was really glad I was able to make it

Grandmother tried to guilt trip me into staying longer because I obviously feel better after I vomit I should be able to stay longer since I already threw up. Then later she texted me “Are you telling the doctors what medicine you’re on? Some medicines can make you sick.” I explained yes I have and they thought for a while it was the Effexor but I’ve been off that for a while now and I’m still vomiting. Her response “I hope you’re keeping the doctors updated on how much your vomiting and how you are feeling.” I told her no, I like to keep them guessing. Once I calmed down I texted her back that I heard her, that she is concerned for my health and wellbeing but she doesn’t know how to word her concern. She texted me back say yes that is what it was.

Everyone is trying in their own way and I appreciate it. My friend SW has been incredibly supportive and  is trying her best to keep up with everything that’s going on. I don’t know what I would do without her.

Bella has been glued to my hip. She barely leaves a room even if someone walks in to the apartment. She doesn’t let anyone near me without her in between us. I had my partners mom watch Bella while I went to the birthday party and she said Bella was having some hard core anxiety trying to find me. Oops I didn’t know she got upset when I wasn’t there. I don’t really know how to help with that. I don’t think she was this attached to her previous human. She would come spend the night and would be fine. She didn’t eat for maybe half a day but then after that she was okay. Pretty Lady said when I would go to the ER she wouldn’t eat but would normally eat a little if I was just at the doctor. I had no idea. She is literally sleeping under my elbow right now with her back half touching my hip\side. She is wayyyy too cute. I love her.

Being sick- Update #2

I’m watching Ellen DeGeneres stand up comedy on NS amazon prime account. It was really funny. When she got to the point about making jokes about how we don’t just focus on one thing at a time. “If you need both hands for something your brain might need to be in it too.” I decided that it was better to take a moment and just enjoy watching the show.

I’ll keep going with the update now.

After I graduated I was still didn’t have a job lined up. Then I clicked all the buttons and got an interview then a follow up interview and a job offer. Then I had two weeks before I started a new job. –Regurgitation

Then I forgot to take my Effexor one morning before work. That was fucking hell. It was my first week and I would have to leave training to go loose my cookies. I called my previous psychiatrist and asked her if this was normal. She said she was surprised I hadn’t missed a dose before then and yes it was normal.

So you get the picture that I have been vomiting a lot.

When I vomited my breakfast I work I decided I would go to the doctor. Now it’s been 32 days today since my first doctors’ appointment to find out what’s wrong. They can’t find anything, nothing, nada, zilch. I’ve been to the emergency room three times and had a billion doctor appointments. I’ve been on about everything they are willing to give me for nausea and vomiting. I’ve only had 52 hours without vomiting in the last 4 weeks. Before that it was 28 hours and then 18 hours before that. I’ve had three iv bags, an MRI (of my brain, to make sure it wasn’t migraine related), an ultra sound, an upper endoscopy, urine test and several blood tests. Nothing! They have said that it could be abdominal migraines, cyclic vomiting or psychogenic vomiting. Which all just means that I am vomiting.

It’s been a new level of hell. A level I’ve never experienced before. I hate going to the doctor, I hate waiting rooms, I hate hospitals, I hate vomiting, I hate that I keep getting medicines that aren’t helping, I hate not being able to work my 8 hours 5 days a week for 40 hours at my kick ass job.

Rent comes out of my bank account soon, student loans are asking for money, medical bills have started pilling up and when I got to work 10 hours they took over half my paycheck to pay for insurance. I have threatened to stop taking my medicines. I don’t think that’s such a good idea any more. I know that my brain is a little off. It’s not balanced in a way to allow me to function. I’m so frustrated that I have anxiety, depression, migraines, and have been vomiting. I’m pissed that every medicine they have given me has the potential of making something else worse. Headache medicine has side effects of vomiting and nausea. Vomiting medicine has side effects of headache. Depression medicine has the potential of making the depression worse, increasing anxiety, and if you start vomiting seek immediate medical attention. What the fuck?! Then everything cause constipation! Then one causes diarrhea? But one doctor gave me more fiber…so how do I know what side effects are because of the new medication or just normal body things. BUT IT’S NOT NORMAL TO VOMIT FOR 32 DAYS!!

All of this has been going on physically and emotionally for me. They keep switching everything. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m wanting to just go back to my normal mood swings. Not this awful shit. Everything says if you are vomited more than 72 hours seek immediate medical attention. If this medicine makes you vomit contact you’re doctor or pharmacist immediately.

I might have mentioned that Mother hasn’t spoken to me since April. I know she wasn’t talking to me before that but that was when I finally was like alright this shit mess is shitty. Since I’ve been sick it’s gone from not talking to me to calling me four times a day and then not speaking to me for a week, sending emails that say I haven’t called her with an update, she won’t answer the phone…anyway it’s really stressful and makes my vomiting 20x’s worse when I try to deal with it.

My father has tried. He’s really trying the best he knows how. When I called to ask if someone could come down to go to the ER he said he would be here just as soon as he could get here. It only takes an hour and a half to get here if you speed. Even with traffic it would take maybe 3 hours. So when it had been two hours and no one was here yet and I hadn’t heard anything I called. My brother answered and said mother had just gotten out of the shower they hadn’t left yet. I drove my happy ass to the emergency room. I didn’t feel well I had already pushed it out as far as I could. Aaron was here but left because he needed to go to work. Pretty Lady (my room mate) offered to take me but I didn’t want her to because she needed to finish writing a paper. They showed up 3 hours after I was in the emergency room. I was so over it. What do you do at that point? Then mother didn’t speak directly to me the whole time and just kept talking about food -_- what?!? I asked both of them if they could find something else to talk about…no they couldn’t. Then four days after the emergency room mother screams at me that she wanted me admitted into the hospital but I wouldn’t let her. I won’t let her help me.

I also had a screaming fight with father during all of this. I have been wanting to get a newer car for a while. I’ve brought it up at least 4 times at dinners with them. Even when no one is speaking to me. Anyway, Father claims he didn’t know anything about it until two weeks ago. He doesn’t think it’s a good idea. He agrees with my grandmother and mother that I don’t need a new car. I need to focus on feeling better. -_- What the fuck have I been doing?! He and Mother decided on their own that they were going to bring me mothers old car, get brother a new car since he just turned 16 and got his license, and get mother a newer car and mine isn’t worthy enough to be driven anymore but I’m also not allowed to sell it, trade it, anything with it. Father and Mother decided to tell me once they were already on they way down to swap cars. I lost my freaking mind. I don’t want mothers car. I wanted help, advise, guidance at finding something more reliable.  During the yelling match with Father on the phone he said that he didn’t wanna hear a damn thing about the neon again then if I wouldn’t take the Kia rio. He doesn’t want to hear me bitch or complain about it then. I told him then I guess he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore then. I ended up getting off the phone told them I was going to NS house. Don’t bother even coming the rest of the way down I wasn’t going to be here. They called back I texted them it wasn’t a good time I was too worked up we would talk tomorrow. So after having 3 more calls and 3 text messages I turned off my phone. I still have the neon and my brother who got his license, Wednesday, is looking at used cars on craigslist.

When I had the upper endoscopy my partner, his mom, my (maternal) grandmother and my grandmothers boyfriend (who happens to also be my great uncle on the other side of my family) were in the waiting room. When I filled out the paper work of who I wanted to come back there to see me after it was done I put my grandmother and my partner. The GI doctor was trying to show sympathy when he explained that it wasn’t a GI problem but rather a stress/anxiety related issue. He tried so hard. He even was talking about how he read my chart the night before and saw that I had been in the Female Sexual Survivor Group at college. He asked me how old I was when the incident happened. Luckily my partner tried to step in and ask some kind of question. Then he asked me again how old I was. So I said 17. Which is true. Which sucks. Grandmother didn’t have a freaking clue. Grandmother went home and told Father and Mother. Father called and confronted me about it. It was the most awkward but grownup conversation I’ve ever had with him. He asked me if I had been molested. I explained no it wasn’t that but don’t let that answer fool him that I was in group because of stuff that has happened in my past. He asked what happened, I explained that I wasn’t comfortable enough to tell him but I was willing to answer questions. His questions were “Was it a family member?” “No” “Was it a teacher?!” “No.” “Was it one of your boyfriends?!?” “Now I’m uncomfortable answering your questions.” I already judge myself for the plural boyfriends part and I know it’s in my head but the judgement that I heard with the one of your boyfriendS the “S” really stood out. Mother called my sister and asked her about it who in return called me to let me know that Mother knew. Mother didn’t call about anything from the emergency room situation or GI doctor…none of it. Father called and said he really wanted to be there but had to work, keep him updated, I had my partners mother texting him the whole time.

What else has happened…? I told you I’m vomiting, lots of doctors, missing a lot of work, family is still being my family, more doctors, more poking, more meds…maybe that’s good enough right now for Update #2

Being Sick- Update One

I’ve been waiting and waiting to update you on how I’ve been doing. I wanted to wait until I felt better. I wanted to wait until I wrote it all down. I waiting because I started a draft on my laptop but not on my phone. I waited because it was late. I waited because I was at work. I waited because I am avoiding it. I’m done waiting. I’m on my laptop I’ll post the draft I started two weeks ago when I said I started it and never worked on it since. Like the rest of my updates, they will come in phases. I’m done putting it off and I just want you to know what’s been going on and that I’m still alive. I miss reading your post still but I’ve been able to read some more recently. I hope to catch up soon. Maybe I won’t try to catch up, maybe I’ll just keep up from here. Maybe I’ll keep working on not feeling like I SHOULD be doing things…anyway…here’s the draft from the other week also know as update number 1

If we were being completely honest I would say I really started noticing this around March or April. I was participating in group therapy. Once a week, on Wednesdays, I would go to the counseling center in the afternoon to sit in a room for a little over an hour for the Women’s Survivor of Sexual Trauma group. It was normally between Tuesday night and Thursday morning I would get incredibly nauseous and vomit. It wasn’t that big of a deal. It sucked but it got me out of group once and other than that I just kept going. I told Emma I would go to the doctor if it kept happening. Then it snowed and group was canceled, it didn’t happen a week, the next time it happened I only had one group meeting left. The last group meeting it did happen but it was the last group meeting. Why worry about it after that? -Vomiting

Then there were finals that determined if I graduated or had to take another semester. If I didn’t pass my finals, pass my classes then I would have to retake them. I would have to take out more student loans. I would have to find a job and go to school. If I did graduate then I needed to find a job and figure out how to make it on my income. –Throwing up

This was also the time that I cause a fucking shit storm in my family because I said I didn’t want to walk in graduation. I really just didn’t want to and I put my foot down and said no I’m not walking and you can’t make me. Then I spoke at my high schools graduation. I graduated with only 34 students and of those 34 students I was the only one who graduate from a 4-year university at the time. I did speak to the 40 some student that were graduating and the 15ish students that were going to a university. I felt that it was more of an honor to speak at my high schools graduation than to walk at my universities. I didn’t know anyone from my university and I knew over 85% of the students who were graduating from my former high school. No, I don’t regret not walking. I’ll let you know if I do. –Puking

That’s all I have for now. I might have another one tomorrow, I guess today. I might have one in the next week. Maybe I’ll just drop off the face of the earth…I don’t know. I’ll see how it goes.

28 hours

For the first time in three weeks I was able to keep everything down for 28 hours. Which completely shatters my last record of 18 hours. Now I’m kinda sad I have to start over.
It sucks. This sucks. I want to go back to my old normal. Not the new normal of vomiting. All. The. Time.
I have started the post to catch you up but no where near finished. Maybe I’ll just break it up like my other updates I’ve done.
Bella has been the best through all of this. She just hangs out. Within arms reach. At all times.
What?!? You want a slide show of how adorable she is. Okay!! Maybe this could be the day I pick back up my 100 days. Maybe I’m not going to start that again. Maybe it will. I’m not sure. In the mean time here are some of my favorites of her in the last three weeks

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Yes, most of these are her yawning in my face. She think she is a sly one being all sneaky sneaky and when I leave she sneaks cat food. Or has found something awful smelling to eat. I like think she is being sneaky sneaky. Either way her breath smells all kinds of awful. I finally mustered up the energy to brush her teeth which helped some.
No, I really don’t know what she is thinking. I like to believe she just wants the best for me. She is my number 1 fan. She’s happy to see me. I can tell her mean or happy things and she still loves me. I love her. She’s great. I’m going to be sad when she dies.
Yes, I do worry about her dying on a daily basis still. How do I not think that. She’s like 8 in human years.

I’m still alive

Just a quick update I am still alive. I do plan on writing about how crazy the last few weeks of my life have been. I’m looking forward to going back over the last few weeks to see what’s been going on in the lives of the peoples blogs I follow. I feel like I haven’t talked to someone who I just started to really get to know and connect with. But hey it’s cool. I’m going to try to get back into the swing of things gradually. So if you read my posts just know I really have missed your support but in an odd way have felt not so alone. I know if I’ve commented about one of your post it was probably about not feeling so alone. I really do appreciate that you’ve opened up and allowed me to look in at you’re life to see that it’s really true that I’m not alone in my struggles.
I’ve missed you. I’ve missed my blog. I’ve missed letting you know what’s been going on. Maybe you aren’t even a you. Maybe I just miss the feeling of writing my words down and having the feeling of them being heard. Maybe in the grand scheme of things you hadn’t even noticed I was missing. Maybe it really doesn’t matter if I post to my blog. Maybe it really is arbitrary. I really just wanted to use the word “arbitrary”. I had to use spell check to make sure it was right. Actually, I used auto correct. I also use auto correct for the letter”I” when I’m using my phone. Also, when using apostrophes. One day maybe auto correct will be like auto fill and also figure out where my commas go. I try to use commas, I just don’t know, where, to, really put, them. They make my sentences seem funny. Then, if, I, miss, adding one in where I think it should go I am not willing to go the extra effort to add it in. Maybe instead of auto fill commas will just be obsolete.
Score I just used vocabulary words obsolete and apostrophes and arbitrary. Look! Right there!! I could go back and make that a list and use a comma but I would rather write another sentence than go fix the last damn one. What does that say about me?!?
I always hated in elementary school when we had a spelling book. Or spelling list. Or spelling words. The worst were when we had to write sentences with them on Tuesday night. But even worse than the sentences were the assignment was to write these 10 spelling words into a paragraph on Wednesday night. It was awful! I hated it. I still hate the concept of it. Then Thursday night it was like “practice”. Like I practiced?!? No the night before I just crammed 10 words that aren’t related into as few sentences as freaking possible. Normally I would shot for 5 sentences but end up with 7 or 8. It was the worst. I’m still a little salty about it. Look at me now!! All I do is use auto correct and use small words. All that taught me was I can use the internet to find synonyms albeit. Who the hell do you think I am. If I want to say but then I’ll say but not albeit. Damn spelling words. Damn punctuation. Damn public education.
Nope not even gonna reread my post to catch the errors I know I will find. I’m not even gonna try. What now life? Hhhhhuuuuhhhh. You gonna bite me in the ass. I know you. I don’t find what my former English teacher would say “a faction” of my errors when I would proof read it. So fuck math why is it in English anyway?!?
Haha I make myself laugh sometimes.
Anyway. I missed you.