I didn’t go home for thanksgiving

This year I decided to not go home for thanksgiving. I had the option to take off work or to work. I wanted to stay here. I didn’t want to go home. I have the opportunity to be useful and make money at work. We are short staffed this week because of the holiday and it’s not “fun” but it’s my job.
I actually have a job which is something incredibly awesome to be thankful for. I do have a family which I am thankful for. I also live 2 hours away and have a choice.
My family is upset but won’t say it. They moved it to Saturday but I am still not going. Then they said they are going to come see me Sunday.
Instead of dysfunctional family that I end up feeling worse about myself when I see them then if I don’t I went to my friend/coworkers house. I got to eat and have wonderful company. I enjoyed myself. I really really did.
I feel guilty for not going home but I’m feeling the best I’ve felt in like a week. I’ve been stressed out and upset but today got me to a place where I smiled and laughed and felt whole. I got through a whole thanksgiving without wanting to kill myself or cut or do anything that would harm me or others AND with no medication. Which is so freaking awesome I can’t even explain how awesome that is!!
Maybe it’s okay. Maybe I’m okay.





New Used Car

I bought a used 2014 versa note last night.
I’ve been looking for a new car for a while but I kept getting really overwhelmed. I’ve felt backed into a corner for a while. One dealership tried everything short of forging my name to get me to buy from them. I had around 17 calls from them in three days.
A different dealership just wasn’t that great. I went after work one day and their website information had been entirely wrong and the windshield was cracked.
The last dealership I refused to give them my number until I was 78% sure that I was interested. The guy who was selling me the car was super nice and was willing to let me think. The manger not so much. They tried a scare tactic by saying at 2:54 some woman had an appointment at 3:00pm to look at the same car. I held strong and thought about it over the weekend.
Then this morning while driving to work I got all teary eyed. I did this. I saved the money. I bought the car. I found it. I signed the papers. I have it in my name. I had a lot of help but it was a majority of me doing it. I called and got insurance in my name. I didn’t have to put my car in neutral at stop lights. I actually have breaks again. I have a rear window windshield whipper. I also now have a car payment but I also have a job that I make enough money for my car payment. I didn’t have to ask my family for money…yet. No! You know what. I didn’t ask them for money for this and that’s awesome!
I like the my car.


Brother weekend visit

My brother came to visit me this weekend. It was more of a surprise visit. He asked what I was going this weekend and then bam he’s here.
His girlfriend and him broke up again and his friends had canceled dinner.
So I got to take him to the boys house, car shopping and watching Netflix at the apartment.
I think he had fun. I know I did. It was low key weekend just chilling. He likes chilling opposed to going out and shopping or going around people
I’m so glad I got to see him.



How long does it actually take for ambein to start working if you have been taking it for roughly 7 months?

I wonder if I can write this post before I just fall asleep or forget to go to sleep.

I want to continue to better myself. I want to work on sleeping better, which sounds wired now that I’ve typed it. I want to see the sunlight during the day. I want to eat in order to provide fuel for my body to do the things that I want to do like stretching. I want to become more flexible both physically and mentally.

I’m going to stop now because I can tell that I’m distracted and would rather read buzz feed articles rather than trying to figure out my feelings.


I agreed somewhere along the way that my brother and I could have open conversations. It’s been really interesting and other days really challenging. Today it’s been a lot of different things.
My sister finally discussed how she feels left out, disconnected not as close. My brother tried to say that he agrees but that didn’t go over well. In a separate conversation my brother asks
“What do you do when your girlfriend has had anorexic tendencies in the past and is considering going back to it?”
I panicked. What do I say to that? How do I respond? I sent him a few links and then finally got to the root of my feelings and told him what I thought.

Let her know that their are other healthier coping skills
That it’s okay
Life is hard and it sucks and it stays hard and causing harm to yourself and your body doesn’t make it easier
That learning positive coping skills is one of the hardest things that I’ve done in my life and sometimes they don’t work out and I do have relapses but they get further and farther between

Did I miss anything? I talked more later about how there is help. How don’t try to carry it all by yourself that there is only so much you can do. I sent him a picture of a paper I got from the counseling center a while back.
I don’t know what else to say…

50 People Following?!

I just reached 50 people following my blog?! What?! That’s crazy! I never thought that my blog would actually survive my own neglect. Not only have I been trying to keep up with it but 50 people have committed to having my post on their feed. Thank you! Thank you so much.
This blog has helped me grow so much. To feel heard, validated, inspired…it’s been really nice.
Again, thank you.

Stupid Wednesday

I’m really frustrated with work right at this moment. I don’t even know if it’s actually work that I’m frustrated with. I keep letting my feelings pile up instead of letting them come and go. Right now the pile includes but is not limited to
-I am on the stupid report because of a stupid email and stupid
-my mouth hurts. Not so much the tooth but just my jaw from the stupid crown temp thing that I had done yesterday
-I can’t chew and that’s making life a little more difficult right now
-I’ve taken three Otc pain meds already today and for some awful reason I thought I wouldn’t need any today so I’m beating myself up over it
-I’m not sure why I feel guilty for taking my ambien but I 100% have felt guilty for a while about it
-I wore stupid heels
– I’ve had a headache off and on for three days
Okay now that I listed the pile of unpleasant things maybe I’ll try to look at the other side of this?
-I have these really fancy heels that I think are cute and very me but still work appropriate
-I have dental insurance so my crown isn’t going to cost an arm and a leg just a leg and some fingers
-I live in a place that I have access to medicines that help with pain from my head and my tooth which is pretty awesome
-I’m at my job where I can come away from my desk to write this blog post about being upset and they are probably starting to notice that I’m gone but not in a why isn’t she doing work way but more on a I wonder where she is
-in just a few hours I can leave and go to my apartment where the beautiful Bella who will be so excited to see me and later pretty lady will come home
-tomorrow Aaron is coming so he can do more of the process of getting into the police academy
-baby D is learning how to talk
-this pain isn’t forever
-I am looking at the other side and it’s helping eliminate the hate fire I’m having
-I could eat apple sauce
Okay stupid Wednesday day bite me