Moving?

Aaron didn’t get the police academy spot. He applied back in May and jumped through all the hoops. He got all the way to the end and Friday they called to let him know that he didn’t get it. I’m so proud of him for trying and following through.
I don’t know what we are going to do now. He was going to pack his things and move the two hours away from home and live with me and my roommate. Now there isn’t a plan. Does he move down here without a job lined up? Does he stay home and continue working at the grocery store and volunteering at the fire department? He’s getting work experience, connections, people skills and being a part of something bigger than himself at the fire department. He’s also two hours away and traffic is hell when I get off work on Fridays to then see him for a few hours on the weekend. I hate that drive. It drains anything that I had left from the week right out of me. I drive there with Bella to then hang out in his moms basement with him, his brother and his brothers boyfriend. We don’t do anything cause we are both tired from work or trying to rest before the next week. If we do anything we go to the only Walmart in 25 miles that everyone else goes to. I strongly dislike Walmart. I strongly dislike my emotions right now too.
I don’t want him to give up the opportunities or the positive aspects of being at the fire department. They have done so much for him and he’s grown so much since he started there. I also don’t want to keep our relationship like it is. I don’t want to keep seeing him every other weekend for a short amount of time. I don’t want to keep arguing over weekends. I don’t want to keep begging for him to schedule times to be here. I don’t want him here just working at a grocery store, it will drive him nuts.
I was terrified of the thought of him moving in. I also thought that he was moving in back in May but that was just a misunderstanding on my part and a miscommunication in his. Since May I’ve worked on it. I’ve figured out some of the things that were scaring me. We’ve talked about it and made this open line of communication. I bought him a dresser and made space in my closet. I’ve made a spot for his stuff, at least the stuff that can fit in the apartment. I’ve explained that you can’t complain about how you don’t like my towels if 1. You don’t live here and 2. If you live here and don’t like them then buy ones you do like. I broke down and bought new sheets. I bought Bella a bed because we’ve agreed that he gets crankier when she sleeps on the bed. In return makes me crankier cause he’s being a butt.
It’s not his fault that he wasn’t accepted into the academy. He didn’t do anything wrong or dumb. They just said he didn’t have the experience. Which I understand! It’s an entry level job but you need experience and education. You can’t have one or the other for most jobs. If someone with both applies then they don’t choice the newbie normally. I get it. I really do. I’m not blaming him for not getting the job. But now what?
Now what? I’m so tired. I am so fucking tired. I’ve been tired for what feels like so long. I’m scared that I’m ready to push the pause button. That I just want to push him away and be by myself for a little bit. I was trying to be ready for these big life choices and now they aren’t happening. I am still terrified of the idea of him moving in. I was getting nervous the closer to time for him to move in. Was this the right choice? Is this what we wanted? Is it what I wanted? Could we manage to pull this off? He was willing to move here and I was willing to let him move in. It’s how going along with the normal way relationship work, which made it okay? I was scared of what if he moved here and then it didn’t work. Now what if he doesn’t move here and it doesn’t work? I’ll be alone more and here more but is that what I want? Do I want to keep going like we are now? Getting to see him every now and again. Do I want him to move in still?

Talkin With Grandma

It’s difficult to write. I know it helps to sort stuff out in my brain but that’s only if I write about things that I am trying to process. Or to let other stuff out so there’s more room in there.
I do well for a while and writing isn’t that bad. Then when my brain starts being an asshole again it gets increasingly difficult. By the time I’m really in s dark place it seems impossible to write which is when I need to release my thoughts the most.
I guess I’ll do the back story before getting to the now. Growing up my mother made a point for us to see blood relatives. Once a week we would go to my grandmothers house and my 3 great aunts house (they all lived together). My mother tried to take us to see my fathers side of the family as well. My father wouldn’t go with us but my mother would take is to see his mother and his father when he was in town. My grandfather on my fathers side used to drive tractor trailers and didn’t live in the same state but we saw him regularly. Then one night I remember the fight my parents had about how my dad didn’t want us to go see his family anymore without him, that it was making him look bad. He didn’t want us to see them unless he went. My mother fought back that we would never see them again if we were to wait for him to go. That was that. We didn’t go back unless my dad was in the car. I think we saw my grandma on Halloween one year and for Christmas two years. My mother would make comments about how he never saw them or called or took his children to see them. He would brush it off. They never made the effort to come see us. That’s just how it was.
Now to present day, well close to present day. I graduated in May from undergraduate majoring in psychology and sociology. My mothers, mother helped me move to my new apartment, helped with funding some of my expenses, got a smartphone so we could text, ect. My fathers mother doesn’t know what college I went to. My father didn’t know my cell phone number until a few months ago, I’ve had the same number since high school.
Now to present day. The week of Christmas my mothers father found out that she has cancer. The sentence my mother keeps using is “she’s eat up with cancer and it’s growing fast”.
I don’t know how to process this or how I’m supposed to feel. I know that whatever or however I feel is acceptable but I don’t know how I feel. Maybe it’s empty. I don’t really have any connection or fond memories or memories in general.
I don’t live there and probably won’t get to know her any more now than I did growing up.
She has asked for the grandkids to come see her so why not? I made a plan to go to my parents house and go see my grandmother. It ended up being a whole day event. My father made breakfast, we went to my mothers mother house, then to my fathers mothers.
When I was sick I asked if for family medical history. My mother was able to go back to great grandma had high blood pressure and probably diabetes but they didn’t know it was that… My father was able to say everyone is fine and always has been. I ask specifically do you have…does your sisters have…nothing. So when I was at my grandmas house my dad wanted to show me how he fixed the bathroom floor, shower and sink. While I was in there, on the shelf, was anti anxiety medication with my grandmothers name on it. I was so pleased with myself. I knew it I knew it! It is genetic for me! Muhahaha. I has so very proud until I left. Then I was disappointed with myself and my family. We don’t talk about this stuff. We sweep it out the door in hopes the wind will blow it away. This is the very subject that is incredibly dear and close to my heart and I didn’t speak up. I didn’t say a damn thing. I still was alone in my knowledge of something I wasn’t even sure about.
I tried to let it go. I tried to forget the feeling. I thought about calling to ask but it just didn’t seem like the right way to bring it up. I wanted to know more. If I knew more maybe it would help me understand. Or have support or closure or hope or guidance or anything. This opportunity had laid itself in front of me and I let it stay there. Not doing anything which is the very reason I’m so frustrated with my family. Damn it.
On Monday, I was driving back to my apartment just thinking about how I wouldn’t know if I didn’t ask. If not now then when? When would I decide to ask? On her death bed? After she dies? After or before a chemo treatment?
She lives right off the highway I was driving on so I took a deep breathe in and decided I’d go ask for myself.
I’ve never just stopped by at her house. They saw me pull up and didn’t know who I was until I was at the door. They didn’t know I had a new car maybe they didn’t know I even had a car at all, I’m not sure. She seemed confused and excited that I was there. I explained that Bella was in the car so I didn’t have long but I wanted to talk about something. I wanted to ask about mental health in our family. I straight up asked my grandmother if she has or had anxiety or depression. She calmly but abruptly said yes. I told her that I’ve tried to ask Dad but he doesn’t know about any of the family history. She then proceeds to tell me about other family members and their bouts with mental health. I learned that she is currently on medication ever since her husband found her with his gun. She said she just didn’t want to do it anymore. She said that the only people that knew about that was her husband one of my aunts and her doctor who prescribed the medication. She also told me about how she really noticed the change when she found the Lord. She believes the Lord delivered her from her depression.
I am so glad I stopped to ask. I wanted to know and now I do.

Thoughts at work

I’m frustrated. I think because I want the play button to be pushed but once that happens I’ll want it to slow down. I’m worried that I’m just not happy. I’m not okay. That my depression has laid it’s blanket down and is ready to stay a while. I’m not looking forward to anything. Nothing. Everything seems pointless again and overwhelming and I’d rather not deal with any of it but I don’t have anything is rather be doing which really bothers me. I wouldn’t rather be hanging out with bella, watching Netflix, going on adventures, organizing, blogging, exercising, at my partners house, or anything else. I’d rather be sleeping and not moving but that isn’t even what I really want. If I give into that I won’t get over the hump any faster.

Bedbugs

This week has been an on off battle between a bad dream and a nightmare. May I start with I am aware that I am not the only one, it’s not the worst thing that could happen, I have the privilege of being able to throw money at it to hopefully fix the situation but I need a moment of what the fuck this sucks i just want to wake up.
We have bedbugs.
It’s been a freaking nightmare. My roommate and I have been in crisis mode all week. Our landlord told us good luck it was going to be expensive. We sent our pets away so we could get the situation under control. The pets situation made it terribly difficult to deal with but having them there wouldn’t have made it any easier.
Trying to figure out the balance of who to tell and who didn’t have to know was difficult. I understand that it’s not a reflection on us, or how we clean, or our lifestyle or our pets or any of that but that’s not the general consensus.
It’s not so much embarrassing as it is frustrating. Then trying to explain what bed bugs are and how people get them and that we are paying for it…it’s been overwhelming.
Pretty lady’s, my roommate, response to stress and especially this situation is to get pissed off. It’s been strange to see her get close to not being angry but instead being sad. I respond by being really upset and crying. At one point she asked me if I wanted her to take the stupid fucking garbage out. I sat in the floor and cried. There has been lot of emotions and a lot of telling each other it sucks.
Although it’s been a really awful situation I wouldn’t have wanted to go through it with anyone else’s other than Pretty Lady.