Bad night

This is the worst right now.
Bella and I would readjust. If it was a bad night she’d come closer to my face and I would get to pet her until I would fall back asleep. On good nights she’d just get tucked into the back of my leg more. And tonight’s a bad night and she’s not here at all.
There’s not this companion here. There’s not the comfort of breathing or a warm body.
My dog is dead. My 24 hour buddy is missing and I know exactly where she is and how she got there but I want nothing more than to have her here.
I haven’t taken my sleeping medicine in over a week. I’d actually been sleeping for the most part and when I wouldn’t Bella and I would hang out. No tv. No music. No worries. Just me and her. I took one tonight which I think has made it bearable to be here but now I’m awake. Realizing I’m also alone and very lonely.
I love my Bella. Some nights I would get frustrated that I couldn’t roll over without her having to follow. She literally wanted to be touching me at all times while we were sleeping and during the day she wanted to at very minimum have her eyes on me.
It was very disheartening at Aaron’s when I realized I hadn’t walked to the bathroom in a year by myself. I hadn’t walked outside without her. I knew where to find her by just turning around. Especially on days that I wasn’t feeling well, the harder emotional days she was right there to ground me.
I did set up my bed so I had her pillow to stick my feet under. She always had my toes warmed.
Bella I miss you. I still haven’t wrapped my head around that you’re gone. Thank you so much for the year that changed my life. Thank you for showing me how much I could love someone. Thank you for taking care of me and teaching me that I was am able to be unconditionally loved. Thank you for loving me on days I loved myself and days where I don’t even like to be around me. Thank you for giving me purpose that I could tangible could be proud of. Thank you for keeping me honest Bella.


3 thoughts on “Bad night

    • Thank you. I’m wondering how to keep going. I know eventually the feels become less intense and life moves on but right here, in this moment, I don’t see how. Or why. She was just here, right here and now she’s not.

      • its ok buddy ….this is the cruelty of life…i know its hard to overcome the grief…even i cried a lot whn my dog died… felt so empty….but the thing is ultimately one needs to come back to real life and love your close ones the same way as you loved her. They too need you. All the best i know you will be very caring person 🙂

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