GRE

I’ve put off taking my GRE for a little over a year now. 

My plan was to take it before I completed undergraduate but that didn’t happen. Then the plan was to take a year off school then go back. That also isn’t going to happen because I’ve put off taking my GRE. 

I now have it scheduled for this Saturday. I’ve been studying but I’ve continually have the feeling of I could be doing more. You can always be doing more when it comes to studying and school. It’s a constant stress that you feel guilty for taking a break from. 

I’ve been struggling to actually comprehend what I need to learn for the GRE. It’s generalized testing, which isn’t my favorite. What’s the probability that what I learn will even be on the test? I could spend hours learning more about exponents and fractions but what’s the actual chance that figuring out how to do them will benefit me on the test? 

What ifs, what if, what freaking ifs keep crawling their way into my brain. They consume me. They blacket the potential forward momentum with its doubts. 

Does it even matter? Do I even want to go to graduate school? Do I want my masters? My doctorate? School nearly kills me every semester, correction, I consider death as a possible solution.
School becomes the only thing I know. It’s the only thing that matters. I could be doing more and I’m not so therefore I’m a failure.

I cut myself off from the world because of the guilt I feel when I’m not doing school related things. There isn’t a balance. I hear that graduate school has no balance for people that normally have balance. What happens when an unbalanced persons does more unbalancing things? Graduate school may be the end of me. 

Backing things up about 17 steps, I have the GRE on Saturday. Am I prepared? Well, depends on who’s standards your going by. If you’re asking me personally, do I think I’m prepared? No, never will be, I’ll never be good enough.