I’m having an identity crisis. I see myself. I really don’t see me though. I have been at this company for three years. It was supposed to be a year break until I went back to school. I hate my job. I hate the politics of the corporate world. I want to learn. I want to grow. I don’t get to grow here. They don’t want me. I am disposable. I want to be a human and I am a number here. I’m okay with being a number if I can contribute to the greater good while being left alone. But here it’s micro managed and the things that should make sense don’t. I don’t understand and I strive to want an understanding of my surroundings.
I’m terrified of leaving though because I’m comfortable. This is comfortable because I know how to navigate it. I know the dos and don’ts and which ones I really need to follow. It pays the bills and has vacation days and medical. The benefits are flipping amazing. I need to jump soon. I didn’t leave my ex for years because it was comfortable. I’m not leaving my job because it’s comfortable? Being uncomfortable is comforting. Why? If I were talking to anyone else than myself I’d tell them to dump this place and run far, far away. Pursue your dreams. Make dreams. Do them. Enjoy it.
I want to enjoy it. I want to wake up and feel awake. How do I do that? Does that really come from inside me? Do I have to do this on my own? I want to hold someone’s hand. I can do it. I will do it. I am doing it. This is happening. I see it in the horizon.