Midnight Anxiety.

I’ve dealt with anxiety all my life. I remember being younger and having the intense feeling of the world pressing down on me. I can remember the sound if my heart beating in my ears, racing.
While I’ve been away from my family, at college, going to counseling, taking medicine, I’ve gotten better about my anxiety but it’s still there. Like now. It is showing its ugly face.
I’ve practiced a lot of different exercises to reduce stress and anxiety but sometimes it gets the better part of me. It eats me alive. I feel like my skin is crawling. I want to peel my skin off, just unzip it and step out. I itch. My belly feels empty and on fire. I get hot and clammy. My mouth gets dry. My thoughts go so fast and circle in on themselves like waves of the ocean in a vast storm.
Tonight, right now, it’s awful. I am breaking out into a rash. I can’t finish a full thought before another one starts. I’m nervous. I’m worried. I am overwhelmed. I want the spinning to slow down. I just hope I’ve calmed down before morning. Them I worry about that. What if I can’t leave the apartment tomorrow? What if I do leave the apartment and have a panic attack? I guess life goes on. Logically, I know life goes on. Realistically, I know that it doesn’t matter if I have a panic attack. The world will keep spinning, panic attack or not.
I think that is supposed to make me feel better. I don’t know if it really does. It makes me wonder what the point really is then. Why even try?
I can’t tell if I’m hungry or just want to eat my feelings.
Bella, the dog, is in the living room right now. I think she is waiting for my partner to come back. She is just sleeping on the couch. I called her in here earlier and she slept on the floor. I don’t want to make her stay in here with me. I probably give her too much credit for being a dog.
I’ve had dogs before but never an actual inside dog. My mom would let us bring home a puppy about every summer. We could keep it in the house until my dad would catch it doing its business on the floor. Where he would them scream and curse and throw the dog outside. I would always try to sneak them back in later but it never worked out.
We would always get the free puppies. I never liked coming up with names for them. I would run names by my mother and she would come up with what jokes my father would say about the name, asking me if I would be able to handle that.
For a while I just named everything after the lion king. The rabbit, dogs, cats, birds; they all had lion king names.
We had a lot of animals growing up. Really they still have a lot of animals. They claim that they have started a free range chicken farm but my family has never killed any animal we had to eat. Don’t get me wrong my dad would shot the animal but we would never eat it. Once my mother named it, it couldn’t go on the table.
Anyway, I think Bella is waiting. I also think Bella can tell when I’m upset. My sister said like any other dog, she probably can but I really feel like Bella is different. Except for right now. Right now, I want to vomit and pull my hair out, while she is sleeping on the couch. Maybe she is like any other dog but I like her more.
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