Test day

I took my GRE today. It’s a step in the right direction for furthering my education but like I said in a previous post I didn’t feel prepared. 

I wasn’t as anxious as I thought I’d be until I was driving to the test. Then everything in my brain went to shit. Mostly I got very flustered that I didn’t bring anything to write with. I tried to calm myself down but then when I googled it at the testing center I was supposed to have a printed confirmation document and a non mechanical pencil. I had neither. I had my id and myself. Turns out you don’t have to have either one of those. They provide pencils. 

When going into the testing area you have a photo taken of you. You write in cursive that you are who you say you are. Then you have to turn your pockets inside out, shake your hood, lift up the bottoms of you pants and then they wave the medal detector bar over your whole body. 

I’m below average but I expected that. Even with expecting it I’m still bummed about it. I tried. I did the best I knew how to do. 

GRE

I’ve put off taking my GRE for a little over a year now. 

My plan was to take it before I completed undergraduate but that didn’t happen. Then the plan was to take a year off school then go back. That also isn’t going to happen because I’ve put off taking my GRE. 

I now have it scheduled for this Saturday. I’ve been studying but I’ve continually have the feeling of I could be doing more. You can always be doing more when it comes to studying and school. It’s a constant stress that you feel guilty for taking a break from. 

I’ve been struggling to actually comprehend what I need to learn for the GRE. It’s generalized testing, which isn’t my favorite. What’s the probability that what I learn will even be on the test? I could spend hours learning more about exponents and fractions but what’s the actual chance that figuring out how to do them will benefit me on the test? 

What ifs, what if, what freaking ifs keep crawling their way into my brain. They consume me. They blacket the potential forward momentum with its doubts. 

Does it even matter? Do I even want to go to graduate school? Do I want my masters? My doctorate? School nearly kills me every semester, correction, I consider death as a possible solution.
School becomes the only thing I know. It’s the only thing that matters. I could be doing more and I’m not so therefore I’m a failure.

I cut myself off from the world because of the guilt I feel when I’m not doing school related things. There isn’t a balance. I hear that graduate school has no balance for people that normally have balance. What happens when an unbalanced persons does more unbalancing things? Graduate school may be the end of me. 

Backing things up about 17 steps, I have the GRE on Saturday. Am I prepared? Well, depends on who’s standards your going by. If you’re asking me personally, do I think I’m prepared? No, never will be, I’ll never be good enough. 

Friends from a previous time 

How do you keep in touch with people from your past? Do you make the effort to continue being friends with people you’ve concidered friends in the past? 

It’s a terribly difficult task for me. I don’t have the drive to have conversations with people that think they know me but when they have very little idea what’s going on. That may be my fault because I don’t let people know what’s going on, wait, I used to not let people know what’s going on. I’ve been working on it.

Maybe this is why I feel more connected with my current group of friends than I ever have with my previous friends. I allow myself to be me. I let them see how I’m doing on good days and bad. 

Then if I’ve figured out how to let people into my snow globe life, could I then let my past relationships out of the darken corners where I left them? Would I want to do that? Would they want that? 

What about when I move in July? Will I continue to keep the friends I have now? Will I make the effort, will they? 

How do you talk to people? No, seriously, how do you let people in when they aren’t in the normal schedule of your life? How do you let someone who has this snapshot imagine of you see what’s actually behind the smiles and nervous laughs when you don’t have the opportunity to see them face to face? 

My intimate relationship has struggled on for almost 3 years now because I moved here. I’ve let so many relationships go either by choice, neglect or by the decision of others. 

Is it worth trying to connect with people from your past?  

 

Or do you just let them fade away?   

Death

I’m glad I made my previous post about this being my space. I’m going to take advantage of this. I’ve set the foundation again and this is where I’m going to start growing. 

Growing up my friends dad was more of a father to me than my own biological father. He taught me how to play softball-with my eyes opened. He was always around physicall and emotionally and I got to see the potential a father could be. 

While I was in high school he learned that he had cancer and he’s fought it for many years. Last week, he passed away. 

I took a half day off at work and drove home for the service. It was the typical service for my small hometown. There was a lot of talk about God, Jesus and the holy spirt. There were two preachers who tried to tie the service into Tommy but for the most part it was about how if you didn’t get saved then you weren’t going to heaven. There was bible reading, pray and singing. 

There were some things that I felt wasn’t appropriate but were said anyway. The biggest one was in front of everyone, the preacher talked about how Tommy wanted to walk his daughter down the aisle at her wedding and now he doesn’t get to do that. I don’t see how that was suppose to be comforting. 

When the pallbearers were placing the flowers on the top of the casket Tommys son let out an echoing, weep. You could feel the sense of loss and sorrow. He’s burring his daddy and at that moment you could see it physically hit his body that this was it. That the battle with cancer was over. The time together has passed. 

Writing 

I’m kind of scared to start writing again. I know that writing this has only helped me. It helps me validate what I’m feeling, realize when my brain is overreacting, connect with other people who are going through similar things and just the general letting my thoughts be out there instead of stuffed inside my head. 

The anxieties towards writing my thoughts down have been prominent since I was younger but there for a while I had the “fuck it” mentality and just did it. 

Maybe I’ll start trying again. It’s not the worst thing I could be doing. Actually it’s probably on the top 5 positive things I could do for myself. 

I become very self conscious. I know my writing skills are lacking, my grammar and punctuation are a joke and my spelling, well my spelling is shit. Then trying to get past that obstacle to the harder part of actually saying what’s going on and how I’m coping and feeling about the situation. It’s terrifying. I’m not really sure how I was doing it before. 

Maybe restating that it’s mine. This is my blog. Where I have the ability and the right to say what’s on my mind. It’s not going to be perfect. It’s not supposed to be. It’s raw and it’s my truth. It’s my place to be open. It’s a place to let the judgment on myself be challenged by my own writing. It’s the place to release and let go of my inner voice. 

Welcome back blog? 

God I hope so. 

Struggles

I’m struggling with a lot of things today
Bella, counseling, us, weekends, the cats, apartment, moving, work, job, life choices, money, the weather.
I’m on the ride of downward spiral and I haven’t found where to get off.
Aaron suggested I try to only focus on two things because that is as enough to overwhelm anyone. He is completely correct! That’s way too much to handle.
Which two do I not want to deal with today? Money and deciding where/if I want to go back to school (I forgot that’s on my list too).
I have no control over the weather so fuck that one.
I make life choices all the time so I can’t really worry about that.
Job and work. Right now that’s okay and settled for the most part.
I’m not moving to a new apartment any time in the next month so today might not be the best time to worry about that.
I could buy the cats a scratching post and make a rule that they aren’t allowed in my room. Or just don’t let them in my room.
Aaron understands that I need weekends or time and quality time with him. He is aware of that, so I shouldn’t waste brain space or texting on that. He knows it. I know it. It’s there. For is to keep a strong relationship I need for us to have the time. Like watching movies on FaceTime 😁 I liked that. So my brain would be happier if I calmed the fuck down about that. We will figure it out or we won’t. We are on the right track of making it stronger and for us being happy. Yeah it sucks sometimes but it’s really good a lot of the time
Counseling. I have one scheduled for the 10th. I can make it that long. I really can but would it be more beneficial to have one sooner? What is it that I’m wanting out of counseling?
I think I want more validation. I want to be able to feel the hurt again and let it be okay. I know it’s okay and I’m trying to validate myself. I know I need to find something to occupy my time and body but that’s hard. I want to walk away with a plan of action but I know I can come up with one on my own. Not really on my own, I still would like the reliability of having someone else be aware.
And this is where we come full circle again. Bella gave me purpose and company. She was the positive in my life and my balance. What will give me balance now? I want to dive into something but what? Exercise? I strongly dislike exercise. Why do I dislike it so much? Because what if I fail? What if I give up? I don’t know how to properly do anything. The word anything is all or nothing thinking. I know how to do something’s but I don’t enjoy them because they challenge me. I am scared of being challenged and not being able to follow through. Which is the same fears I have about the GRE and going back to school.
I’m scared of failure. What is failure anyway? How do I want to define failure, not how I think others see it? Is failure not trying? Is failure trying but not succeeding? What is successful then? Meeting a goal? Working towards a goal? Having a goal? It has to be more than just having a goal and failure is more than than trying and not ending up where you “wanted” to be.
What is successful and failure to you?