Unapologetically

It’s been a long time since I’ve wrote. It’s been even a longer time since my thoughts have been this jumbled. I need this space again to let it flow out. It needs a place to sit and be seen or heard or maybe just released. There needs to be a place of truth. It won’t all come at once. I wish it would. I wish I had the time and energy to open the flood gates and pour it into this one post. I’m not going to though. It will drain me. I thought I was being drained before everything taking and pulling everyone wanting something. I think I’m changing the perspective. Talking about it is the draining part. Everyone and everything keep pouring in to this shell that I have that is overflowing with too much. So, instead of procrastinating anymore let’s get started with poking holes in this shell so some of it can leak out. 

I don’t know where to start and it doesn’t matter. Honestly, I don’t know if any of it matters but I know that thinking leads me to the deep dark depths of depression. I have gone to enough counseling now that I have the skills and the knowledge to differentiate from my depressive thoughts and the real ones. At least I had enough before I stopped going. It’s been a while since I went. I didn’t necessarily quit. I just stopped going. At the time I was in a good place, at least mentally I was. I realized in my last few meetings with her that I had stopped talking. I didn’t discuss what I felt I needed to talk about but rather what I thought she wanted to hear. They weren’t lies but it wasn’t the truth coming out either. She would ask me simple question that I didn’t know the answer to or didn’t care to explain to her. I felt protective of my thoughts and actions and feelings about certain things. The meetings had become so infrequent that I just felt like it was a lunch commitment with an old friend to catch them up on my life except I didn’t know what was going on with the other party. It started feeling more of a social chore than mental health work. It is what I made it and I made it into something that was no longer helpful to me. Last week I asked my primary care physician for a referral to a new counselor in an email. He told me he wanted me to come in to discuss why I didn’t want to go see my current one and I haven’t responded. It made me frustrated. I threatened in my head that I’ll just find a new pcp too but I’ve said that for about a year. 

I haven’t came out. I probably should eventually to my family but I haven’t. They’ve met the girl I’m seeing but I haven’t actually told them. My friends know. 

The girl I’m seeing is pretty great. We go through cycles and when we’re good we’re freaking awesome. When we aren’t though, it’s a mess. She has some issues. We all have issues but with me being who I am the things I see get to me more than she understands. I have this strong passion about mental health and she was raised that mental things are fake and shouldn’t be discussed. Which drives me up the wall, pushed me in the corner and makes me cry uncontrollably. 

This is where I’ll stop for this one. It’s a good start. Once it’s out there I’ll see how it feels.