Moving 

I am going to move. Finally put in my notice. I wanted to move far far away but the current plan is to move into an apartment with three of my friends while they finish college. So this should be interesting. 

I have to get rid of a lot of stuff. I’m going from having all this space to myself. To moving my stuff out of one room to make room for my friend to move in. To needing to fit all my stuff in a room. A room smaller than the current one I’m on and a normal size closet. I’m a hoarder. Not as bad as my parents or grandma but one nonetheless. I have put together two bags to go to goodwill since I’ve officially decided to move but that’s not even the tip of the iceberg but I’m not sure how much I can get rid of without freaking out. Any suggestions? 

Phoebe is going to get to live with a cat. That’s never been a thing. The cat so far doesn’t seem too fond of Phoebe but also not hating her. 

This will be an adventure. 

Struggles

I’m struggling with a lot of things today
Bella, counseling, us, weekends, the cats, apartment, moving, work, job, life choices, money, the weather.
I’m on the ride of downward spiral and I haven’t found where to get off.
Aaron suggested I try to only focus on two things because that is as enough to overwhelm anyone. He is completely correct! That’s way too much to handle.
Which two do I not want to deal with today? Money and deciding where/if I want to go back to school (I forgot that’s on my list too).
I have no control over the weather so fuck that one.
I make life choices all the time so I can’t really worry about that.
Job and work. Right now that’s okay and settled for the most part.
I’m not moving to a new apartment any time in the next month so today might not be the best time to worry about that.
I could buy the cats a scratching post and make a rule that they aren’t allowed in my room. Or just don’t let them in my room.
Aaron understands that I need weekends or time and quality time with him. He is aware of that, so I shouldn’t waste brain space or texting on that. He knows it. I know it. It’s there. For is to keep a strong relationship I need for us to have the time. Like watching movies on FaceTime 😁 I liked that. So my brain would be happier if I calmed the fuck down about that. We will figure it out or we won’t. We are on the right track of making it stronger and for us being happy. Yeah it sucks sometimes but it’s really good a lot of the time
Counseling. I have one scheduled for the 10th. I can make it that long. I really can but would it be more beneficial to have one sooner? What is it that I’m wanting out of counseling?
I think I want more validation. I want to be able to feel the hurt again and let it be okay. I know it’s okay and I’m trying to validate myself. I know I need to find something to occupy my time and body but that’s hard. I want to walk away with a plan of action but I know I can come up with one on my own. Not really on my own, I still would like the reliability of having someone else be aware.
And this is where we come full circle again. Bella gave me purpose and company. She was the positive in my life and my balance. What will give me balance now? I want to dive into something but what? Exercise? I strongly dislike exercise. Why do I dislike it so much? Because what if I fail? What if I give up? I don’t know how to properly do anything. The word anything is all or nothing thinking. I know how to do something’s but I don’t enjoy them because they challenge me. I am scared of being challenged and not being able to follow through. Which is the same fears I have about the GRE and going back to school.
I’m scared of failure. What is failure anyway? How do I want to define failure, not how I think others see it? Is failure not trying? Is failure trying but not succeeding? What is successful then? Meeting a goal? Working towards a goal? Having a goal? It has to be more than just having a goal and failure is more than than trying and not ending up where you “wanted” to be.
What is successful and failure to you?

Cleaning

I think today is the day I will clean the apartment. I’ve left most things where they are but I don’t want to continue leaving things as they were. Things are different now, the apartment should reflect that.

I want to be strong. I have been strong through this. I’ve worked really hard to be able to be okay with the process. I’ve tried to love myself and accept these changes.

Bella changed my life, the least I can do is try to proceed with my life that I will be proud of. Last night, I finally packed up her stuff from they boyz house. No, not finally, I had the strength and courage to move forward in this very uncomfortable situation. Yes, it sucked and I cried and I still cried last night but that’s okay.

I’m hoping that cleaning the apartment will help with the sense of closure. I want to bring a positive attitude into the world every day and it’s difficult to do that with Bella hair all over me and my belongings but no Bella. Her hair was one of my least favorite things about our living arrangements. It would get on everything and even the more expensive “pet hair” lint roller would have a hard time making a dent in her mess.

I already have started making a pile of Bella’s stuff. One for things I want to keep and one for thing’s I’m able to part with. I don’t want to keep everything I had bought for her cause most of it she didn’t use. She like people way more than she liked things.

I miss Bella like fucking crazy still.

Bedbugs

This week has been an on off battle between a bad dream and a nightmare. May I start with I am aware that I am not the only one, it’s not the worst thing that could happen, I have the privilege of being able to throw money at it to hopefully fix the situation but I need a moment of what the fuck this sucks i just want to wake up.
We have bedbugs.
It’s been a freaking nightmare. My roommate and I have been in crisis mode all week. Our landlord told us good luck it was going to be expensive. We sent our pets away so we could get the situation under control. The pets situation made it terribly difficult to deal with but having them there wouldn’t have made it any easier.
Trying to figure out the balance of who to tell and who didn’t have to know was difficult. I understand that it’s not a reflection on us, or how we clean, or our lifestyle or our pets or any of that but that’s not the general consensus.
It’s not so much embarrassing as it is frustrating. Then trying to explain what bed bugs are and how people get them and that we are paying for it…it’s been overwhelming.
Pretty lady’s, my roommate, response to stress and especially this situation is to get pissed off. It’s been strange to see her get close to not being angry but instead being sad. I respond by being really upset and crying. At one point she asked me if I wanted her to take the stupid fucking garbage out. I sat in the floor and cried. There has been lot of emotions and a lot of telling each other it sucks.
Although it’s been a really awful situation I wouldn’t have wanted to go through it with anyone else’s other than Pretty Lady.

Being Sick- Update #3

Okay so I’ll admit the last post had a lot of shitty things in it. I realized there aren’t only bad things that have been going on, there are also a lot of really neat things going on too.

Work has been so super supportive. They are excited when I’m there and check on me if I’m there or not. If I need to come in late, no problem. If I need to leave early, no problem. I missed an entire week, no problem. We’ve got your back. We got cha covered. Just know we want you to feel better. Take care of yourself first! Those are the things I’ve been hearing from my coworkers. I could never have dreamed of a better group of people to work with.

I had a dentist appointment during all of this because I was super nervous about my teeth because of all the vomiting. They were incredibly nice while I was there. Very patient oriented and showed me what they were talking about. They even helped with giving me something to play with in my hand so I had something to focus on instead of my mouth. I told them when I walked in “Hey, I’ve been vomiting, I have a lot of anxiety, I’m very apprehensive about coming to the dentist but it’s been over two years and I’m worried my teeth are getting really messed up.” They were wonderful. Then!!! I had a follow up/lets start drilling your teeth visit that I canceled because I was vomiting a crazy amount and knew I wouldn’t be able to let them play in my mouth and I was really anxious about it anyway and I don’t really have the money for it now…I felt so terribly guilty for canceling. I didn’t go. I did call and explained. Then two days later I have a letter in the mail from them. I thought it was a bill. I walked in and opened it. It was a card. “Emily, We are sorry to hear that you aren’t feeling well. Please get well soon!” Hand written! Signed by everyone in the office! I broke. I broke down. I cried. It was the sweetest thing. Especially with all this other crappy medical stuff I’m trying to deal with. That was so nice of them. They didn’t have to do that but they did. I had gone to the ER to get into the psychiatrist office earlier than the end of October because my referral from my PCP could get me in at the beginning of October but the ER was able to speed up the process and get me in two weeks earlier. But the dentist I picked out on google sends me hand written card. I was sure it was going to be a bill with extra charge for canceling my appointment, I was so positive that’s what it was going to be. It made my day, my week, it restored a part of myself that I lost. I felt cared about. That someone had remembered that I didn’t feel well enough and took the effort to send me a card, the whole office has taken the time and effort to sign it. That’s impressive! I’m blessed. I’m so blessed.

While I’ve been sick Pretty Lady (my roommate) has been keeping apartment things in order and walking Bella a lot! She is the best! I couldn’t imagine anything better. She is working 2 part time jobs, going to school as a Junior for engineering major and minoring in math and taking care of me.

My friend have been great. Wednesday I normally line up someone to walk Bella because Pretty Lady has four classes that day and it’s a really long day for her when she is normally gone from 8:30 am to 9 pm. I had completely forgot to line someone up for the midday walk with Bella. Bella can wait that long but I hate for her to have to. When I was driving home was when I remembered. I pulled up, parked and was prepared to run up the stairs and grab Bella for her walk. I walked in and Bella is sleeping on the couch and the light is on. Someone had walked her. While I was at work. I cried about that too. I was just so relieved and filled with a sense of friendship that I can’t really describe.

My partner took a week off from work to come take care of me. He took a weeks worth of vacation and dealt with me and my cranky self. I hadn’t been able to keep anything down in 17 days. 17 days. Nothing. Not food or liquids. I had already had two iv bags. I was fighting everything in my body to not have a third. It was no good. It was cranky self times 17 times 10. I didn’t want to be in the same room as myself. He stepped up. He made sure I knew someone cared. He doesn’t do these kinds of things. He bought me flowers. I’ve never had anyone buy me flowers but Aaron bought me get well soon flowers that were perfect. I cried. He made sure I had something to drink at all times and a wet washcloth. He handled the vomit bowl so I didn’t have to get out of bed ever 10 minutes to go to the bathroom to vomit. He kept a steady supply of popsicles. He really stepped up. I really, really appreciated it.

My brother has been texting me to check up on me. My sisters tried to start calling more to check on me. She called me yesterday and asked me to please not commit suicide. I explained I didn’t have a plan to right now. Then she said some things I didn’t agree with but she was trying to be supportive. My family is trying to be supportive in their own way. I did go to my twin great aunts 80th birthday party…that was a living hell I’ll just give you the highlights

“I hate to tell you but no one expected you to show up. You don’t have to be here.” Great Aunt by marriage right as I walk in the door.

“Is that the same boy?” “OH! It is? He looks different.” “That’s a long time for you, you normally have a new boyfriend every time I see you.” -Mother’s friend from elementary school asking about Aaron

Arm outreached “Emily? Is that you? I didn’t recognize you since you’ve gained so much weight! Your voice is the same though” -Great aunt who I responded with “Happy Birthday! I’m so glad I got to come see you!”

Mother said two words to me while I was here “Okay” and “Okay”

Father gave me a really awkward hug and started to look like he was going to cry and told me he was really glad I was able to make it

Grandmother tried to guilt trip me into staying longer because I obviously feel better after I vomit I should be able to stay longer since I already threw up. Then later she texted me “Are you telling the doctors what medicine you’re on? Some medicines can make you sick.” I explained yes I have and they thought for a while it was the Effexor but I’ve been off that for a while now and I’m still vomiting. Her response “I hope you’re keeping the doctors updated on how much your vomiting and how you are feeling.” I told her no, I like to keep them guessing. Once I calmed down I texted her back that I heard her, that she is concerned for my health and wellbeing but she doesn’t know how to word her concern. She texted me back say yes that is what it was.

Everyone is trying in their own way and I appreciate it. My friend SW has been incredibly supportive and  is trying her best to keep up with everything that’s going on. I don’t know what I would do without her.

Bella has been glued to my hip. She barely leaves a room even if someone walks in to the apartment. She doesn’t let anyone near me without her in between us. I had my partners mom watch Bella while I went to the birthday party and she said Bella was having some hard core anxiety trying to find me. Oops I didn’t know she got upset when I wasn’t there. I don’t really know how to help with that. I don’t think she was this attached to her previous human. She would come spend the night and would be fine. She didn’t eat for maybe half a day but then after that she was okay. Pretty Lady said when I would go to the ER she wouldn’t eat but would normally eat a little if I was just at the doctor. I had no idea. She is literally sleeping under my elbow right now with her back half touching my hip\side. She is wayyyy too cute. I love her.

Grandma proofing the apartment.

Every time my grandmother comes to see me I have to grandma proof the apartment. It’s the same concept as baby proofing so the baby doesn’t get into anything that they shouldn’t but for my grandma anything that would make her question my morals. My sister taught me how to grandma proof when we would go visit her I would run up the stairs before my grandmother to double check that everything was put away and hidden. My grandmother is a conservative, southern Baptist christian, republican so we hid everything from the booze to my partners tooth brush and deodorant. I spent about half a hour going through our apartment putting things away. I hid the vodka, rum, wine, beer, condoms, lube, vibrator, toothbrush, and pictures. When my grandmother walked into the apartment I had minimal anxiety, I was actually feeling pretty good. She used my restroom and we left for dinner. Overall it was an excellent visit. Just the right amount of grandma time for me. When I came home, taking my contact lens out, I see it. Staring at me in the face. Right there on the counter. Just sitting there. Minding it’s own business. My toy cleaner. Oops.