I just went through my drafts and found this entry that I never posted. It’s still true, I miss Bella. I got to visit where she’s buried on Christmas. I haven’t gotten another dog yet. My grandmother has found a dog she is trying to talk me into keeping but it’s not Bella or a dog that I’d like to have.
The below entry was written 331 days ago.
I miss my schedule with Bella. Id wake up in the middle of the night and either she would already be touching me or I’d readjust to have my leg get heat from her. Unless it was super hot and I would try to move away from her and by the time I got comfortable she’d move closer.
I’m glad she was in my life.
I’m struggling with a lot of things today
Bella, counseling, us, weekends, the cats, apartment, moving, work, job, life choices, money, the weather.
I’m on the ride of downward spiral and I haven’t found where to get off.
Aaron suggested I try to only focus on two things because that is as enough to overwhelm anyone. He is completely correct! That’s way too much to handle.
Which two do I not want to deal with today? Money and deciding where/if I want to go back to school (I forgot that’s on my list too).
I have no control over the weather so fuck that one.
I make life choices all the time so I can’t really worry about that.
Job and work. Right now that’s okay and settled for the most part.
I’m not moving to a new apartment any time in the next month so today might not be the best time to worry about that.
I could buy the cats a scratching post and make a rule that they aren’t allowed in my room. Or just don’t let them in my room.
Aaron understands that I need weekends or time and quality time with him. He is aware of that, so I shouldn’t waste brain space or texting on that. He knows it. I know it. It’s there. For is to keep a strong relationship I need for us to have the time. Like watching movies on FaceTime 😁 I liked that. So my brain would be happier if I calmed the fuck down about that. We will figure it out or we won’t. We are on the right track of making it stronger and for us being happy. Yeah it sucks sometimes but it’s really good a lot of the time
Counseling. I have one scheduled for the 10th. I can make it that long. I really can but would it be more beneficial to have one sooner? What is it that I’m wanting out of counseling?
I think I want more validation. I want to be able to feel the hurt again and let it be okay. I know it’s okay and I’m trying to validate myself. I know I need to find something to occupy my time and body but that’s hard. I want to walk away with a plan of action but I know I can come up with one on my own. Not really on my own, I still would like the reliability of having someone else be aware.
And this is where we come full circle again. Bella gave me purpose and company. She was the positive in my life and my balance. What will give me balance now? I want to dive into something but what? Exercise? I strongly dislike exercise. Why do I dislike it so much? Because what if I fail? What if I give up? I don’t know how to properly do anything. The word anything is all or nothing thinking. I know how to do something’s but I don’t enjoy them because they challenge me. I am scared of being challenged and not being able to follow through. Which is the same fears I have about the GRE and going back to school.
I’m scared of failure. What is failure anyway? How do I want to define failure, not how I think others see it? Is failure not trying? Is failure trying but not succeeding? What is successful then? Meeting a goal? Working towards a goal? Having a goal? It has to be more than just having a goal and failure is more than than trying and not ending up where you “wanted” to be.
What is successful and failure to you?
I think today is the day I will clean the apartment. I’ve left most things where they are but I don’t want to continue leaving things as they were. Things are different now, the apartment should reflect that.
I want to be strong. I have been strong through this. I’ve worked really hard to be able to be okay with the process. I’ve tried to love myself and accept these changes.
Bella changed my life, the least I can do is try to proceed with my life that I will be proud of. Last night, I finally packed up her stuff from they boyz house. No, not finally, I had the strength and courage to move forward in this very uncomfortable situation. Yes, it sucked and I cried and I still cried last night but that’s okay.
I’m hoping that cleaning the apartment will help with the sense of closure. I want to bring a positive attitude into the world every day and it’s difficult to do that with Bella hair all over me and my belongings but no Bella. Her hair was one of my least favorite things about our living arrangements. It would get on everything and even the more expensive “pet hair” lint roller would have a hard time making a dent in her mess.
I already have started making a pile of Bella’s stuff. One for things I want to keep and one for thing’s I’m able to part with. I don’t want to keep everything I had bought for her cause most of it she didn’t use. She like people way more than she liked things.
I miss Bella like fucking crazy still.
I don’t have to go home after work because Bella doesn’t have to pee. She’s dead and buried at Aarons.
The closer it gets time to leave the harder it’s getting. Monday and Tuesday’s I’d go home take her for a quick walk, change and we’d go to the boys. Last week I waited for pretty lady to come home to go with us. I was tired so I laid down and got her to come lay at my head. I petted her until I fell asleep. Only to wake up when pretty lady came in the hall and asked if we were leaving. She was still sleeping there with me in the same position.
This week I guess I’ll go home and change then head to the boys.
My dog is dead.
This is the worst right now.
Bella and I would readjust. If it was a bad night she’d come closer to my face and I would get to pet her until I would fall back asleep. On good nights she’d just get tucked into the back of my leg more. And tonight’s a bad night and she’s not here at all.
There’s not this companion here. There’s not the comfort of breathing or a warm body.
My dog is dead. My 24 hour buddy is missing and I know exactly where she is and how she got there but I want nothing more than to have her here.
I haven’t taken my sleeping medicine in over a week. I’d actually been sleeping for the most part and when I wouldn’t Bella and I would hang out. No tv. No music. No worries. Just me and her. I took one tonight which I think has made it bearable to be here but now I’m awake. Realizing I’m also alone and very lonely.
I love my Bella. Some nights I would get frustrated that I couldn’t roll over without her having to follow. She literally wanted to be touching me at all times while we were sleeping and during the day she wanted to at very minimum have her eyes on me.
It was very disheartening at Aaron’s when I realized I hadn’t walked to the bathroom in a year by myself. I hadn’t walked outside without her. I knew where to find her by just turning around. Especially on days that I wasn’t feeling well, the harder emotional days she was right there to ground me.
I did set up my bed so I had her pillow to stick my feet under. She always had my toes warmed.
Bella I miss you. I still haven’t wrapped my head around that you’re gone. Thank you so much for the year that changed my life. Thank you for showing me how much I could love someone. Thank you for taking care of me and teaching me that I
was am able to be unconditionally loved. Thank you for loving me on days I loved myself and days where I don’t even like to be around me. Thank you for giving me purpose that I could tangible could be proud of. Thank you for keeping me honest Bella.
First off I would like to write about Bella’s last weekend. Friday was a typical day. I had to go to work, we did our morning walk. Aaron had came over Thursday night so she got to chill with him while I was working. They watched Netflix together and went for a walk. Friday night while we were out buying pillows I picked her up a new toy. She doesn’t really like toys unless Aaron gets her to play with them. Only a handful of times have I been able to get her to play. Friday night though, she played with that toy. Aaron played with her and I played with her. I remember telling Pretty Lady “nothing makes me happier than the moment I saw her run the corner with that toy in her mouth.”
I’ve recently bought Bella a dog bed. We have worked on getting her to use it. She would much rather sleep between Aaron and my legs but we have been working on giving her a place. In the last few weeks she’s slowly has started to figure out that when I said “down, down, down, Bella off” that it meant get off my freaking bed and lay on yours. Friday and Saturday she actually started off on her bed for the night and used the blanket she ripped as a pillow.
Saturday, Aaron and I had decided to utilize the beautiful day. We took her to a new park that had nature trails. She acted crazy, as if I’d never taker her in public. Barking and pulling at ever dog. Either lagging behind to sniff and pee on everything or pulling so hard it sounded like she might choke herself. The only time she acted like she had sense was when we got back to the car and I let her drink out of my cup. I watched one couple try to convince their dog to jump into the back of their vehicle. My dog just hops right in. You say go for a ride and she basically would drag you down the stairs.
Saturday night we watched Netflix and played video games while Bella just hung out with us. I took her on a late walk so maybe she would let us sleep past 9 am.
Sunday morning around 10 Aaron took her on what would be her last morning walk. I was so happy to have slept in and not have to put pants on to walk her. They came back and she did the normally jumping on the bed and hiding behind my legs.
We cooked bacon, eggs and cinnamon rolls for breakfast. The entire time Bella would try to sneak into the kitchen to lick up whatever I had dropped. We got to play the game where she’d sneak in and I’d say “back, back, backbackbackackackckck” and Aaron would ask her if she had to stand in the way, could she not go lay down and “outta tha kitchen” “Bella go” while we ate breakfast at the table she sat at the head of the table on the floor just looking at who ever was talking. She did the usual “I’m going to look at you and maybe you’ll give me food. What if I lay my head right here on your leg and then lick your hand? What if I sit here? Maybe here? What if I’m under the table?” At the end of breakfast we had one piece of bacon left that Aaron tried to trick her with by making her go out of the kitchen. It didn’t work. While cleaning up Aaron snuck the bacon to her but you knew he did cause of how excited she was.
After breakfast and a Google search or 7, we were going to try a different greenway. The weather was very spring in the beginning of February. We didn’t wear jackets, just tshirt. Bella tried on her two different harness for this walk. I didn’t want to deal with her craziness that was Saturday and Google helped me decide she needed to be back in her harness. We picked the black one and took the ride to the park with the windows down. She was a different dog. Aaron and I talked about it all day Sunday. She wasn’t the same dog. She was well behaved. She walked with us. She only pulled when other dogs were pulling too but only for a second. She also tired to pull Aaron while I was jogging but he said after I got out of site she just sniffed for me and stayed with him to the point that there was slack in the leash. Slack in the leash! Thats not my dog. He said that she didn’t even care about the other dogs on the way back, she just kept sniffing for me. When they got back to the car I had remembered her bowl this time and she got to have some water.
The greenway we had gone to had a creek. A few times while I was tired we’d stop to “let Bella drink” really to let me rest. Bella has never gotten to play in a creek that I’m away of. So every time we’d stop I’d walk a few rocks out and try to get her to come to me. It took a little bit but she finally wasn’t scared of the water. The last time we stopped she seemed to enjoy the water. She wasn’t sure of her footing but she investigated it with a sense of puppy wonder. She’d lift her paw, set it on top of the water then pick it up, set it down and try again.
Aaron took her up the stairs at the apartment while I waited in the car. We got food and came back. I took her for her last walk that we almost had down to a science. Then we were just hanging out. Doing our thing. It was about 11 pm and I needed to go to bed to get up for work. Bella was laying on the floor and Aaron watched her as she tried to stand up and she would fall down. I couldn’t get her to come to be so I told her “kennel” she stumbled into her kennel which wasn’t three feet away. Aaron helped me get her back out of the kennel. We tried to get her to stand or come on the bed or something, anything. I got her a cheese slice. I told Aaron if she didn’t eat the cheese slice there was a bigger problem, she didn’t eat it. She did respond to the wrapper my lifting her head but as if she was drunk it fell back down. I lifted her lip and it was pale. We went to the kitchen and she tired to follow but it was as if her legs weren’t working. She drug herself to my bathroom which isn’t her favorite place to be. I called the vet and they said she might just be overly tired from the walk. I explained some more and they said to bring her in. Aaron carried her and she didn’t growl or even care. I drove and he talked to her the whole way. The vets office was very nice and quick. She had a tumor on her spleen that ruptured. She was bleeding into her abdomen. It was either surgery or let her go. With surgery she might have 8 weeks and lots of vet visits. I made the impossible decision to have her put down.
I had my moment with her and got to talk to her about how she’s been the best thing in my life. It was okay for her to go. I wanted her to know that I loved her she is very loved. She was responsive for just a few more minutes with her head up but with time passing she became more unresponsive. It was time to make her not suffer. I held her and cried. I couldn’t have planned a better weekend for her. I couldn’t have asked for a better dog or best friend. We made each other so happy and brought joy into our lives.
Aaron and I have buried her at his house. Where she used to get to run around without her leash and dig holes in the red mud. She’d be so proud of how dirty she could get. This is where I need her to be.
I couldn’t have done this without Aaron. I kept hoping that once this was done I could come inside and Bella and I would just relax. I couldn’t have done the last year without Bella. I wouldn’t change it for the world. She has helped me grow in ways I never knew was possible. She is my everything. She was my hip. She was my support. She was my physical contact. She was my greeter. She was my companion. She is the love of my life. Even most of my blog post have been about Bella or at least mentioned Bella.
Bella. This doesn’t seem real. I’m ready to wake up now and have my feet tucked under her to keep my toes warm.
Aaron didn’t get the police academy spot. He applied back in May and jumped through all the hoops. He got all the way to the end and Friday they called to let him know that he didn’t get it. I’m so proud of him for trying and following through.
I don’t know what we are going to do now. He was going to pack his things and move the two hours away from home and live with me and my roommate. Now there isn’t a plan. Does he move down here without a job lined up? Does he stay home and continue working at the grocery store and volunteering at the fire department? He’s getting work experience, connections, people skills and being a part of something bigger than himself at the fire department. He’s also two hours away and traffic is hell when I get off work on Fridays to then see him for a few hours on the weekend. I hate that drive. It drains anything that I had left from the week right out of me. I drive there with Bella to then hang out in his moms basement with him, his brother and his brothers boyfriend. We don’t do anything cause we are both tired from work or trying to rest before the next week. If we do anything we go to the only Walmart in 25 miles that everyone else goes to. I strongly dislike Walmart. I strongly dislike my emotions right now too.
I don’t want him to give up the opportunities or the positive aspects of being at the fire department. They have done so much for him and he’s grown so much since he started there. I also don’t want to keep our relationship like it is. I don’t want to keep seeing him every other weekend for a short amount of time. I don’t want to keep arguing over weekends. I don’t want to keep begging for him to schedule times to be here. I don’t want him here just working at a grocery store, it will drive him nuts.
I was terrified of the thought of him moving in. I also thought that he was moving in back in May but that was just a misunderstanding on my part and a miscommunication in his. Since May I’ve worked on it. I’ve figured out some of the things that were scaring me. We’ve talked about it and made this open line of communication. I bought him a dresser and made space in my closet. I’ve made a spot for his stuff, at least the stuff that can fit in the apartment. I’ve explained that you can’t complain about how you don’t like my towels if 1. You don’t live here and 2. If you live here and don’t like them then buy ones you do like. I broke down and bought new sheets. I bought Bella a bed because we’ve agreed that he gets crankier when she sleeps on the bed. In return makes me crankier cause he’s being a butt.
It’s not his fault that he wasn’t accepted into the academy. He didn’t do anything wrong or dumb. They just said he didn’t have the experience. Which I understand! It’s an entry level job but you need experience and education. You can’t have one or the other for most jobs. If someone with both applies then they don’t choice the newbie normally. I get it. I really do. I’m not blaming him for not getting the job. But now what?
Now what? I’m so tired. I am so fucking tired. I’ve been tired for what feels like so long. I’m scared that I’m ready to push the pause button. That I just want to push him away and be by myself for a little bit. I was trying to be ready for these big life choices and now they aren’t happening. I am still terrified of the idea of him moving in. I was getting nervous the closer to time for him to move in. Was this the right choice? Is this what we wanted? Is it what I wanted? Could we manage to pull this off? He was willing to move here and I was willing to let him move in. It’s how going along with the normal way relationship work, which made it okay? I was scared of what if he moved here and then it didn’t work. Now what if he doesn’t move here and it doesn’t work? I’ll be alone more and here more but is that what I want? Do I want to keep going like we are now? Getting to see him every now and again. Do I want him to move in still?