Which comes first? 

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Which comes first a job or a place to live? 

My job contact ends in June. My apartment lease ends in July. I need a new job and a new place to stay. I need money to pay for the roof over my head and I need a roof over my head to get to rest for the job. 

We could literally go anywhere. Anywhere! We could stay here. We could go there. We could go back to our parents. I don’t want to go back to my parents. Aaron is going to move in July with me. We are making the next step of living together. 

We both don’t have jobs lined up right now. Or a place to live. It causes a sense of panic in myself. While Aaron is “it will work out”. I know it will but we take different approaches to making it work out. I’m looking for places and jobs and locations and prices and budgets. He’s…ummm looking at what I sent him. 

We’ve talked about how he has a more laid back, it will work out, wait it out, it’ll fall in my lap type attitude. While I’m over here practicing breathing techniques because I’m about to lose my shit, frantically clicking all the buttons at once trying desperately to figure out if it’s the chicken or the egg. 

We are both trying in our own ways to figure it out. We are in the process of finding middle ground. We are trying to have open communication about our thoughts. 

We’ve both applied for some places to work. We also went to look at a place last weekend. We are actively looking. 

He found his bother a job. His brother got the job and starts Monday and will be sleeping on my couch while my roommates gone. I’m glad his brother has a new job but I’m kind of salty that it isn’t Aaron coming to stay with me. I’ve thought several times Aaron was moving in and it hasn’t happened yet.

Now we need to discuss more things like is his brother going to live with us? Is his brother bringing his boyfriend to live with us, Is the boyfriend bringing his cat? Rent would be cheaper but what about the levels of sanity? Would it still get to be a place I look forward to coming home to if more people are living there? Do we want my current roommate and her two cats living with us? Are we getting a dog? Are we going to try to foster dogs? 

Which comes first? A place to live or a job? The chicken or the egg? 

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Moving?

Aaron didn’t get the police academy spot. He applied back in May and jumped through all the hoops. He got all the way to the end and Friday they called to let him know that he didn’t get it. I’m so proud of him for trying and following through.
I don’t know what we are going to do now. He was going to pack his things and move the two hours away from home and live with me and my roommate. Now there isn’t a plan. Does he move down here without a job lined up? Does he stay home and continue working at the grocery store and volunteering at the fire department? He’s getting work experience, connections, people skills and being a part of something bigger than himself at the fire department. He’s also two hours away and traffic is hell when I get off work on Fridays to then see him for a few hours on the weekend. I hate that drive. It drains anything that I had left from the week right out of me. I drive there with Bella to then hang out in his moms basement with him, his brother and his brothers boyfriend. We don’t do anything cause we are both tired from work or trying to rest before the next week. If we do anything we go to the only Walmart in 25 miles that everyone else goes to. I strongly dislike Walmart. I strongly dislike my emotions right now too.
I don’t want him to give up the opportunities or the positive aspects of being at the fire department. They have done so much for him and he’s grown so much since he started there. I also don’t want to keep our relationship like it is. I don’t want to keep seeing him every other weekend for a short amount of time. I don’t want to keep arguing over weekends. I don’t want to keep begging for him to schedule times to be here. I don’t want him here just working at a grocery store, it will drive him nuts.
I was terrified of the thought of him moving in. I also thought that he was moving in back in May but that was just a misunderstanding on my part and a miscommunication in his. Since May I’ve worked on it. I’ve figured out some of the things that were scaring me. We’ve talked about it and made this open line of communication. I bought him a dresser and made space in my closet. I’ve made a spot for his stuff, at least the stuff that can fit in the apartment. I’ve explained that you can’t complain about how you don’t like my towels if 1. You don’t live here and 2. If you live here and don’t like them then buy ones you do like. I broke down and bought new sheets. I bought Bella a bed because we’ve agreed that he gets crankier when she sleeps on the bed. In return makes me crankier cause he’s being a butt.
It’s not his fault that he wasn’t accepted into the academy. He didn’t do anything wrong or dumb. They just said he didn’t have the experience. Which I understand! It’s an entry level job but you need experience and education. You can’t have one or the other for most jobs. If someone with both applies then they don’t choice the newbie normally. I get it. I really do. I’m not blaming him for not getting the job. But now what?
Now what? I’m so tired. I am so fucking tired. I’ve been tired for what feels like so long. I’m scared that I’m ready to push the pause button. That I just want to push him away and be by myself for a little bit. I was trying to be ready for these big life choices and now they aren’t happening. I am still terrified of the idea of him moving in. I was getting nervous the closer to time for him to move in. Was this the right choice? Is this what we wanted? Is it what I wanted? Could we manage to pull this off? He was willing to move here and I was willing to let him move in. It’s how going along with the normal way relationship work, which made it okay? I was scared of what if he moved here and then it didn’t work. Now what if he doesn’t move here and it doesn’t work? I’ll be alone more and here more but is that what I want? Do I want to keep going like we are now? Getting to see him every now and again. Do I want him to move in still?