I’m watching Ellen DeGeneres stand up comedy on NS amazon prime account. It was really funny. When she got to the point about making jokes about how we don’t just focus on one thing at a time. “If you need both hands for something your brain might need to be in it too.” I decided that it was better to take a moment and just enjoy watching the show.
I’ll keep going with the update now.
After I graduated I was still didn’t have a job lined up. Then I clicked all the buttons and got an interview then a follow up interview and a job offer. Then I had two weeks before I started a new job. –Regurgitation
Then I forgot to take my Effexor one morning before work. That was fucking hell. It was my first week and I would have to leave training to go loose my cookies. I called my previous psychiatrist and asked her if this was normal. She said she was surprised I hadn’t missed a dose before then and yes it was normal.
So you get the picture that I have been vomiting a lot.
When I vomited my breakfast I work I decided I would go to the doctor. Now it’s been 32 days today since my first doctors’ appointment to find out what’s wrong. They can’t find anything, nothing, nada, zilch. I’ve been to the emergency room three times and had a billion doctor appointments. I’ve been on about everything they are willing to give me for nausea and vomiting. I’ve only had 52 hours without vomiting in the last 4 weeks. Before that it was 28 hours and then 18 hours before that. I’ve had three iv bags, an MRI (of my brain, to make sure it wasn’t migraine related), an ultra sound, an upper endoscopy, urine test and several blood tests. Nothing! They have said that it could be abdominal migraines, cyclic vomiting or psychogenic vomiting. Which all just means that I am vomiting.
It’s been a new level of hell. A level I’ve never experienced before. I hate going to the doctor, I hate waiting rooms, I hate hospitals, I hate vomiting, I hate that I keep getting medicines that aren’t helping, I hate not being able to work my 8 hours 5 days a week for 40 hours at my kick ass job.
Rent comes out of my bank account soon, student loans are asking for money, medical bills have started pilling up and when I got to work 10 hours they took over half my paycheck to pay for insurance. I have threatened to stop taking my medicines. I don’t think that’s such a good idea any more. I know that my brain is a little off. It’s not balanced in a way to allow me to function. I’m so frustrated that I have anxiety, depression, migraines, and have been vomiting. I’m pissed that every medicine they have given me has the potential of making something else worse. Headache medicine has side effects of vomiting and nausea. Vomiting medicine has side effects of headache. Depression medicine has the potential of making the depression worse, increasing anxiety, and if you start vomiting seek immediate medical attention. What the fuck?! Then everything cause constipation! Then one causes diarrhea? But one doctor gave me more fiber…so how do I know what side effects are because of the new medication or just normal body things. BUT IT’S NOT NORMAL TO VOMIT FOR 32 DAYS!!
All of this has been going on physically and emotionally for me. They keep switching everything. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m wanting to just go back to my normal mood swings. Not this awful shit. Everything says if you are vomited more than 72 hours seek immediate medical attention. If this medicine makes you vomit contact you’re doctor or pharmacist immediately.
I might have mentioned that Mother hasn’t spoken to me since April. I know she wasn’t talking to me before that but that was when I finally was like alright this shit mess is shitty. Since I’ve been sick it’s gone from not talking to me to calling me four times a day and then not speaking to me for a week, sending emails that say I haven’t called her with an update, she won’t answer the phone…anyway it’s really stressful and makes my vomiting 20x’s worse when I try to deal with it.
My father has tried. He’s really trying the best he knows how. When I called to ask if someone could come down to go to the ER he said he would be here just as soon as he could get here. It only takes an hour and a half to get here if you speed. Even with traffic it would take maybe 3 hours. So when it had been two hours and no one was here yet and I hadn’t heard anything I called. My brother answered and said mother had just gotten out of the shower they hadn’t left yet. I drove my happy ass to the emergency room. I didn’t feel well I had already pushed it out as far as I could. Aaron was here but left because he needed to go to work. Pretty Lady (my room mate) offered to take me but I didn’t want her to because she needed to finish writing a paper. They showed up 3 hours after I was in the emergency room. I was so over it. What do you do at that point? Then mother didn’t speak directly to me the whole time and just kept talking about food -_- what?!? I asked both of them if they could find something else to talk about…no they couldn’t. Then four days after the emergency room mother screams at me that she wanted me admitted into the hospital but I wouldn’t let her. I won’t let her help me.
I also had a screaming fight with father during all of this. I have been wanting to get a newer car for a while. I’ve brought it up at least 4 times at dinners with them. Even when no one is speaking to me. Anyway, Father claims he didn’t know anything about it until two weeks ago. He doesn’t think it’s a good idea. He agrees with my grandmother and mother that I don’t need a new car. I need to focus on feeling better. -_- What the fuck have I been doing?! He and Mother decided on their own that they were going to bring me mothers old car, get brother a new car since he just turned 16 and got his license, and get mother a newer car and mine isn’t worthy enough to be driven anymore but I’m also not allowed to sell it, trade it, anything with it. Father and Mother decided to tell me once they were already on they way down to swap cars. I lost my freaking mind. I don’t want mothers car. I wanted help, advise, guidance at finding something more reliable. During the yelling match with Father on the phone he said that he didn’t wanna hear a damn thing about the neon again then if I wouldn’t take the Kia rio. He doesn’t want to hear me bitch or complain about it then. I told him then I guess he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore then. I ended up getting off the phone told them I was going to NS house. Don’t bother even coming the rest of the way down I wasn’t going to be here. They called back I texted them it wasn’t a good time I was too worked up we would talk tomorrow. So after having 3 more calls and 3 text messages I turned off my phone. I still have the neon and my brother who got his license, Wednesday, is looking at used cars on craigslist.
When I had the upper endoscopy my partner, his mom, my (maternal) grandmother and my grandmothers boyfriend (who happens to also be my great uncle on the other side of my family) were in the waiting room. When I filled out the paper work of who I wanted to come back there to see me after it was done I put my grandmother and my partner. The GI doctor was trying to show sympathy when he explained that it wasn’t a GI problem but rather a stress/anxiety related issue. He tried so hard. He even was talking about how he read my chart the night before and saw that I had been in the Female Sexual Survivor Group at college. He asked me how old I was when the incident happened. Luckily my partner tried to step in and ask some kind of question. Then he asked me again how old I was. So I said 17. Which is true. Which sucks. Grandmother didn’t have a freaking clue. Grandmother went home and told Father and Mother. Father called and confronted me about it. It was the most awkward but grownup conversation I’ve ever had with him. He asked me if I had been molested. I explained no it wasn’t that but don’t let that answer fool him that I was in group because of stuff that has happened in my past. He asked what happened, I explained that I wasn’t comfortable enough to tell him but I was willing to answer questions. His questions were “Was it a family member?” “No” “Was it a teacher?!” “No.” “Was it one of your boyfriends?!?” “Now I’m uncomfortable answering your questions.” I already judge myself for the plural boyfriends part and I know it’s in my head but the judgement that I heard with the one of your boyfriendS the “S” really stood out. Mother called my sister and asked her about it who in return called me to let me know that Mother knew. Mother didn’t call about anything from the emergency room situation or GI doctor…none of it. Father called and said he really wanted to be there but had to work, keep him updated, I had my partners mother texting him the whole time.
What else has happened…? I told you I’m vomiting, lots of doctors, missing a lot of work, family is still being my family, more doctors, more poking, more meds…maybe that’s good enough right now for Update #2