Missing my Bella 

I just went through my drafts and found this entry that I never posted. It’s still true, I miss Bella. I got to visit where she’s buried on Christmas. I haven’t gotten another dog yet. My grandmother has found a dog she is trying to talk me into keeping but it’s not Bella or a dog that I’d like to have. 

The below entry was written 331 days ago. 

I miss my schedule with Bella. Id wake up in the middle of the night and either she would already be touching me or I’d readjust to have my leg get heat from her. Unless it was super hot and I would try to move away from her and by the time I got comfortable she’d move closer. 

I’m glad she was in my life. 

Being Sick- Update #3

Okay so I’ll admit the last post had a lot of shitty things in it. I realized there aren’t only bad things that have been going on, there are also a lot of really neat things going on too.

Work has been so super supportive. They are excited when I’m there and check on me if I’m there or not. If I need to come in late, no problem. If I need to leave early, no problem. I missed an entire week, no problem. We’ve got your back. We got cha covered. Just know we want you to feel better. Take care of yourself first! Those are the things I’ve been hearing from my coworkers. I could never have dreamed of a better group of people to work with.

I had a dentist appointment during all of this because I was super nervous about my teeth because of all the vomiting. They were incredibly nice while I was there. Very patient oriented and showed me what they were talking about. They even helped with giving me something to play with in my hand so I had something to focus on instead of my mouth. I told them when I walked in “Hey, I’ve been vomiting, I have a lot of anxiety, I’m very apprehensive about coming to the dentist but it’s been over two years and I’m worried my teeth are getting really messed up.” They were wonderful. Then!!! I had a follow up/lets start drilling your teeth visit that I canceled because I was vomiting a crazy amount and knew I wouldn’t be able to let them play in my mouth and I was really anxious about it anyway and I don’t really have the money for it now…I felt so terribly guilty for canceling. I didn’t go. I did call and explained. Then two days later I have a letter in the mail from them. I thought it was a bill. I walked in and opened it. It was a card. “Emily, We are sorry to hear that you aren’t feeling well. Please get well soon!” Hand written! Signed by everyone in the office! I broke. I broke down. I cried. It was the sweetest thing. Especially with all this other crappy medical stuff I’m trying to deal with. That was so nice of them. They didn’t have to do that but they did. I had gone to the ER to get into the psychiatrist office earlier than the end of October because my referral from my PCP could get me in at the beginning of October but the ER was able to speed up the process and get me in two weeks earlier. But the dentist I picked out on google sends me hand written card. I was sure it was going to be a bill with extra charge for canceling my appointment, I was so positive that’s what it was going to be. It made my day, my week, it restored a part of myself that I lost. I felt cared about. That someone had remembered that I didn’t feel well enough and took the effort to send me a card, the whole office has taken the time and effort to sign it. That’s impressive! I’m blessed. I’m so blessed.

While I’ve been sick Pretty Lady (my roommate) has been keeping apartment things in order and walking Bella a lot! She is the best! I couldn’t imagine anything better. She is working 2 part time jobs, going to school as a Junior for engineering major and minoring in math and taking care of me.

My friend have been great. Wednesday I normally line up someone to walk Bella because Pretty Lady has four classes that day and it’s a really long day for her when she is normally gone from 8:30 am to 9 pm. I had completely forgot to line someone up for the midday walk with Bella. Bella can wait that long but I hate for her to have to. When I was driving home was when I remembered. I pulled up, parked and was prepared to run up the stairs and grab Bella for her walk. I walked in and Bella is sleeping on the couch and the light is on. Someone had walked her. While I was at work. I cried about that too. I was just so relieved and filled with a sense of friendship that I can’t really describe.

My partner took a week off from work to come take care of me. He took a weeks worth of vacation and dealt with me and my cranky self. I hadn’t been able to keep anything down in 17 days. 17 days. Nothing. Not food or liquids. I had already had two iv bags. I was fighting everything in my body to not have a third. It was no good. It was cranky self times 17 times 10. I didn’t want to be in the same room as myself. He stepped up. He made sure I knew someone cared. He doesn’t do these kinds of things. He bought me flowers. I’ve never had anyone buy me flowers but Aaron bought me get well soon flowers that were perfect. I cried. He made sure I had something to drink at all times and a wet washcloth. He handled the vomit bowl so I didn’t have to get out of bed ever 10 minutes to go to the bathroom to vomit. He kept a steady supply of popsicles. He really stepped up. I really, really appreciated it.

My brother has been texting me to check up on me. My sisters tried to start calling more to check on me. She called me yesterday and asked me to please not commit suicide. I explained I didn’t have a plan to right now. Then she said some things I didn’t agree with but she was trying to be supportive. My family is trying to be supportive in their own way. I did go to my twin great aunts 80th birthday party…that was a living hell I’ll just give you the highlights

“I hate to tell you but no one expected you to show up. You don’t have to be here.” Great Aunt by marriage right as I walk in the door.

“Is that the same boy?” “OH! It is? He looks different.” “That’s a long time for you, you normally have a new boyfriend every time I see you.” -Mother’s friend from elementary school asking about Aaron

Arm outreached “Emily? Is that you? I didn’t recognize you since you’ve gained so much weight! Your voice is the same though” -Great aunt who I responded with “Happy Birthday! I’m so glad I got to come see you!”

Mother said two words to me while I was here “Okay” and “Okay”

Father gave me a really awkward hug and started to look like he was going to cry and told me he was really glad I was able to make it

Grandmother tried to guilt trip me into staying longer because I obviously feel better after I vomit I should be able to stay longer since I already threw up. Then later she texted me “Are you telling the doctors what medicine you’re on? Some medicines can make you sick.” I explained yes I have and they thought for a while it was the Effexor but I’ve been off that for a while now and I’m still vomiting. Her response “I hope you’re keeping the doctors updated on how much your vomiting and how you are feeling.” I told her no, I like to keep them guessing. Once I calmed down I texted her back that I heard her, that she is concerned for my health and wellbeing but she doesn’t know how to word her concern. She texted me back say yes that is what it was.

Everyone is trying in their own way and I appreciate it. My friend SW has been incredibly supportive and  is trying her best to keep up with everything that’s going on. I don’t know what I would do without her.

Bella has been glued to my hip. She barely leaves a room even if someone walks in to the apartment. She doesn’t let anyone near me without her in between us. I had my partners mom watch Bella while I went to the birthday party and she said Bella was having some hard core anxiety trying to find me. Oops I didn’t know she got upset when I wasn’t there. I don’t really know how to help with that. I don’t think she was this attached to her previous human. She would come spend the night and would be fine. She didn’t eat for maybe half a day but then after that she was okay. Pretty Lady said when I would go to the ER she wouldn’t eat but would normally eat a little if I was just at the doctor. I had no idea. She is literally sleeping under my elbow right now with her back half touching my hip\side. She is wayyyy too cute. I love her.