Struggles

I’m struggling with a lot of things today
Bella, counseling, us, weekends, the cats, apartment, moving, work, job, life choices, money, the weather.
I’m on the ride of downward spiral and I haven’t found where to get off.
Aaron suggested I try to only focus on two things because that is as enough to overwhelm anyone. He is completely correct! That’s way too much to handle.
Which two do I not want to deal with today? Money and deciding where/if I want to go back to school (I forgot that’s on my list too).
I have no control over the weather so fuck that one.
I make life choices all the time so I can’t really worry about that.
Job and work. Right now that’s okay and settled for the most part.
I’m not moving to a new apartment any time in the next month so today might not be the best time to worry about that.
I could buy the cats a scratching post and make a rule that they aren’t allowed in my room. Or just don’t let them in my room.
Aaron understands that I need weekends or time and quality time with him. He is aware of that, so I shouldn’t waste brain space or texting on that. He knows it. I know it. It’s there. For is to keep a strong relationship I need for us to have the time. Like watching movies on FaceTime 😁 I liked that. So my brain would be happier if I calmed the fuck down about that. We will figure it out or we won’t. We are on the right track of making it stronger and for us being happy. Yeah it sucks sometimes but it’s really good a lot of the time
Counseling. I have one scheduled for the 10th. I can make it that long. I really can but would it be more beneficial to have one sooner? What is it that I’m wanting out of counseling?
I think I want more validation. I want to be able to feel the hurt again and let it be okay. I know it’s okay and I’m trying to validate myself. I know I need to find something to occupy my time and body but that’s hard. I want to walk away with a plan of action but I know I can come up with one on my own. Not really on my own, I still would like the reliability of having someone else be aware.
And this is where we come full circle again. Bella gave me purpose and company. She was the positive in my life and my balance. What will give me balance now? I want to dive into something but what? Exercise? I strongly dislike exercise. Why do I dislike it so much? Because what if I fail? What if I give up? I don’t know how to properly do anything. The word anything is all or nothing thinking. I know how to do something’s but I don’t enjoy them because they challenge me. I am scared of being challenged and not being able to follow through. Which is the same fears I have about the GRE and going back to school.
I’m scared of failure. What is failure anyway? How do I want to define failure, not how I think others see it? Is failure not trying? Is failure trying but not succeeding? What is successful then? Meeting a goal? Working towards a goal? Having a goal? It has to be more than just having a goal and failure is more than than trying and not ending up where you “wanted” to be.
What is successful and failure to you?

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