Which comes first? 

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Which comes first a job or a place to live? 

My job contact ends in June. My apartment lease ends in July. I need a new job and a new place to stay. I need money to pay for the roof over my head and I need a roof over my head to get to rest for the job. 

We could literally go anywhere. Anywhere! We could stay here. We could go there. We could go back to our parents. I don’t want to go back to my parents. Aaron is going to move in July with me. We are making the next step of living together. 

We both don’t have jobs lined up right now. Or a place to live. It causes a sense of panic in myself. While Aaron is “it will work out”. I know it will but we take different approaches to making it work out. I’m looking for places and jobs and locations and prices and budgets. He’s…ummm looking at what I sent him. 

We’ve talked about how he has a more laid back, it will work out, wait it out, it’ll fall in my lap type attitude. While I’m over here practicing breathing techniques because I’m about to lose my shit, frantically clicking all the buttons at once trying desperately to figure out if it’s the chicken or the egg. 

We are both trying in our own ways to figure it out. We are in the process of finding middle ground. We are trying to have open communication about our thoughts. 

We’ve both applied for some places to work. We also went to look at a place last weekend. We are actively looking. 

He found his bother a job. His brother got the job and starts Monday and will be sleeping on my couch while my roommates gone. I’m glad his brother has a new job but I’m kind of salty that it isn’t Aaron coming to stay with me. I’ve thought several times Aaron was moving in and it hasn’t happened yet.

Now we need to discuss more things like is his brother going to live with us? Is his brother bringing his boyfriend to live with us, Is the boyfriend bringing his cat? Rent would be cheaper but what about the levels of sanity? Would it still get to be a place I look forward to coming home to if more people are living there? Do we want my current roommate and her two cats living with us? Are we getting a dog? Are we going to try to foster dogs? 

Which comes first? A place to live or a job? The chicken or the egg? 

Struggles

I’m struggling with a lot of things today
Bella, counseling, us, weekends, the cats, apartment, moving, work, job, life choices, money, the weather.
I’m on the ride of downward spiral and I haven’t found where to get off.
Aaron suggested I try to only focus on two things because that is as enough to overwhelm anyone. He is completely correct! That’s way too much to handle.
Which two do I not want to deal with today? Money and deciding where/if I want to go back to school (I forgot that’s on my list too).
I have no control over the weather so fuck that one.
I make life choices all the time so I can’t really worry about that.
Job and work. Right now that’s okay and settled for the most part.
I’m not moving to a new apartment any time in the next month so today might not be the best time to worry about that.
I could buy the cats a scratching post and make a rule that they aren’t allowed in my room. Or just don’t let them in my room.
Aaron understands that I need weekends or time and quality time with him. He is aware of that, so I shouldn’t waste brain space or texting on that. He knows it. I know it. It’s there. For is to keep a strong relationship I need for us to have the time. Like watching movies on FaceTime 😁 I liked that. So my brain would be happier if I calmed the fuck down about that. We will figure it out or we won’t. We are on the right track of making it stronger and for us being happy. Yeah it sucks sometimes but it’s really good a lot of the time
Counseling. I have one scheduled for the 10th. I can make it that long. I really can but would it be more beneficial to have one sooner? What is it that I’m wanting out of counseling?
I think I want more validation. I want to be able to feel the hurt again and let it be okay. I know it’s okay and I’m trying to validate myself. I know I need to find something to occupy my time and body but that’s hard. I want to walk away with a plan of action but I know I can come up with one on my own. Not really on my own, I still would like the reliability of having someone else be aware.
And this is where we come full circle again. Bella gave me purpose and company. She was the positive in my life and my balance. What will give me balance now? I want to dive into something but what? Exercise? I strongly dislike exercise. Why do I dislike it so much? Because what if I fail? What if I give up? I don’t know how to properly do anything. The word anything is all or nothing thinking. I know how to do something’s but I don’t enjoy them because they challenge me. I am scared of being challenged and not being able to follow through. Which is the same fears I have about the GRE and going back to school.
I’m scared of failure. What is failure anyway? How do I want to define failure, not how I think others see it? Is failure not trying? Is failure trying but not succeeding? What is successful then? Meeting a goal? Working towards a goal? Having a goal? It has to be more than just having a goal and failure is more than than trying and not ending up where you “wanted” to be.
What is successful and failure to you?

Moving?

Aaron didn’t get the police academy spot. He applied back in May and jumped through all the hoops. He got all the way to the end and Friday they called to let him know that he didn’t get it. I’m so proud of him for trying and following through.
I don’t know what we are going to do now. He was going to pack his things and move the two hours away from home and live with me and my roommate. Now there isn’t a plan. Does he move down here without a job lined up? Does he stay home and continue working at the grocery store and volunteering at the fire department? He’s getting work experience, connections, people skills and being a part of something bigger than himself at the fire department. He’s also two hours away and traffic is hell when I get off work on Fridays to then see him for a few hours on the weekend. I hate that drive. It drains anything that I had left from the week right out of me. I drive there with Bella to then hang out in his moms basement with him, his brother and his brothers boyfriend. We don’t do anything cause we are both tired from work or trying to rest before the next week. If we do anything we go to the only Walmart in 25 miles that everyone else goes to. I strongly dislike Walmart. I strongly dislike my emotions right now too.
I don’t want him to give up the opportunities or the positive aspects of being at the fire department. They have done so much for him and he’s grown so much since he started there. I also don’t want to keep our relationship like it is. I don’t want to keep seeing him every other weekend for a short amount of time. I don’t want to keep arguing over weekends. I don’t want to keep begging for him to schedule times to be here. I don’t want him here just working at a grocery store, it will drive him nuts.
I was terrified of the thought of him moving in. I also thought that he was moving in back in May but that was just a misunderstanding on my part and a miscommunication in his. Since May I’ve worked on it. I’ve figured out some of the things that were scaring me. We’ve talked about it and made this open line of communication. I bought him a dresser and made space in my closet. I’ve made a spot for his stuff, at least the stuff that can fit in the apartment. I’ve explained that you can’t complain about how you don’t like my towels if 1. You don’t live here and 2. If you live here and don’t like them then buy ones you do like. I broke down and bought new sheets. I bought Bella a bed because we’ve agreed that he gets crankier when she sleeps on the bed. In return makes me crankier cause he’s being a butt.
It’s not his fault that he wasn’t accepted into the academy. He didn’t do anything wrong or dumb. They just said he didn’t have the experience. Which I understand! It’s an entry level job but you need experience and education. You can’t have one or the other for most jobs. If someone with both applies then they don’t choice the newbie normally. I get it. I really do. I’m not blaming him for not getting the job. But now what?
Now what? I’m so tired. I am so fucking tired. I’ve been tired for what feels like so long. I’m scared that I’m ready to push the pause button. That I just want to push him away and be by myself for a little bit. I was trying to be ready for these big life choices and now they aren’t happening. I am still terrified of the idea of him moving in. I was getting nervous the closer to time for him to move in. Was this the right choice? Is this what we wanted? Is it what I wanted? Could we manage to pull this off? He was willing to move here and I was willing to let him move in. It’s how going along with the normal way relationship work, which made it okay? I was scared of what if he moved here and then it didn’t work. Now what if he doesn’t move here and it doesn’t work? I’ll be alone more and here more but is that what I want? Do I want to keep going like we are now? Getting to see him every now and again. Do I want him to move in still?

Stupid Wednesday

I’m really frustrated with work right at this moment. I don’t even know if it’s actually work that I’m frustrated with. I keep letting my feelings pile up instead of letting them come and go. Right now the pile includes but is not limited to
-I am on the stupid report because of a stupid email and stupid
-my mouth hurts. Not so much the tooth but just my jaw from the stupid crown temp thing that I had done yesterday
-I can’t chew and that’s making life a little more difficult right now
-I’ve taken three Otc pain meds already today and for some awful reason I thought I wouldn’t need any today so I’m beating myself up over it
-I’m not sure why I feel guilty for taking my ambien but I 100% have felt guilty for a while about it
-I wore stupid heels
– I’ve had a headache off and on for three days
Okay now that I listed the pile of unpleasant things maybe I’ll try to look at the other side of this?
-I have these really fancy heels that I think are cute and very me but still work appropriate
-I have dental insurance so my crown isn’t going to cost an arm and a leg just a leg and some fingers
-I live in a place that I have access to medicines that help with pain from my head and my tooth which is pretty awesome
-I’m at my job where I can come away from my desk to write this blog post about being upset and they are probably starting to notice that I’m gone but not in a why isn’t she doing work way but more on a I wonder where she is
-in just a few hours I can leave and go to my apartment where the beautiful Bella who will be so excited to see me and later pretty lady will come home
-tomorrow Aaron is coming so he can do more of the process of getting into the police academy
-baby D is learning how to talk
-this pain isn’t forever
-I am looking at the other side and it’s helping eliminate the hate fire I’m having
-I could eat apple sauce
Okay stupid Wednesday day bite me

Yesterday

I didn’t miss yesterday’s picture but I did miss uploading it.
I was babysitting this kid that is wonderful. There have only been two kids I’ve met in my life that I have said if my children acted this way then I would be okay with havering children.
I don’t want children. I don’t want to raise them. I don’t want to put them to bed and wake them up in the morning. I don’t want to get them dressed for school or pass by genes along. I don’t want the moments where I don’t want to go on with my life and that effect another human being as much as it would my child. My child would lose it’s mother. That’s fucked up. Why would a mother leave their child. So why have a child that I would potentially leave. I don’t want a child because of what society would say about me and my child’s life. But I also don’t want a child because of my life, my struggles, my mood swings. I’m worried that I wouldn’t be able to provide for my child like a child needs to be provided for. I would be an absent mother. I don’t want this child to be brought into a world where it’s mother already doesn’t want it and that mother is me. I don’t want to give this child the future. So why would I try to have a child? I don’t look down upon other people who don’t want a child or do want a child. That’s you’re choice. It’s just not something I think I want to do. Maybe that will change. Maybe it won’t.
I love kids. I love hanging out with kids. They are the best. I have worked at a day care, taken developmental classes, and babysat for several families. Kids are great.
Last night I got to help babysit a one year old. He was the best! He is understanding words that are used and babbling like crazy. I loved it! So for yesterday’s 100happydays it has to be Baby D
He made me smile and laugh and enjoy being around another human.

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Part One- Update on my life

Yes, just good for now. My snow globe of a life has been shaken and it’s in the mix of settling down again.
Bella is okay. I switched her food on accident because I couldn’t find her current food because it said senior on it and the other one didn’t. So her belly was hurting real bad because of course I didn’t slowly tradition her to the new food. Why would I do that?! (Sarcasm)
While at work I googled how to help her feel better and learned that the food I have her on isn’t good for her because it’s vegetarian. How was I suppose to know?! Anyway, I went back to the store and asked the pet smart person about it. They told me that Bella is considered a senior. Which confirms my issues with being attached to her. I don’t know if a day goes by where I am able to forget the fact that she is going to die. I know, I know, enjoy the time she does have and death happens to everything blah blah. But that just makes me feel insignificant and small.

So there is more to this story but I have to pee and find food.

Your turn- what’s a piece of snow from your snow globe?

Nothing Makes Me Feel Sexier Than…Shitting Myself

My partner and I both dislike driving. We have an agreement that I drive here and my partner drives there. I ask at dinner if my partner would drive the two miles back to my apartment, breaking our agreement. I should have know better…
On the way back my partner drove in the middle of the lanes, went 15 under the speed limit, speed up, slam on the brakes, no brakes on turns, two miles an hour over the speed bumps, and had to readjust the parking job twice. -_-
About two minutes into the drive I had a 911 emergency, Mexican food, I need to go to the bathroom right now type situation. I calmly said “Please stop. I need to poop.” Since all the driving craziness was happening, it took 5 more minutes for me to make it to unlock my door on the second floor of our apartment complex. By that time I knew I wasn’t going to make it.
I make it past the dog and I’m done. It’s already happening. I get to the bathroom door and can feel the shame.
I lock the door, clean up and take a shower. While I shower I contemplate what level of mad, upset, angry, sad, ashamed I am. I decide if my partner says anything about me being hateful I would lose my mind. When I finally left the bathroom my partner was washing dishes and had made me a drink. I decided to confess with just saying “Nothing makes me feel sexier than shitting myself.”
It was the only night we’ve had alone in the apartment in a while. We spent it cuddling and watching House MD on Netflix.