These are my thoughts for Aaron.

Reasons I’m disappointed that you aren’t moving in
•I miss you
-when you are here I don’t feel alone
-I get the satisfaction of seeing facial expressions, things don’t get lost in texts
-we don’t have to talk, we get to just be
-in person I get hugs and kisses and sex
•I don’t get the everyday things I’ve been looking forward to, hanging on for
-meals together
-disagreements about shoes in the walkway or contact lenses case not being closed
-not having to go to the store by myself or for myself all the time
-figuring out if Bella is sleeping in the kennel or on the bed
•Continuing the with the way things are now
-waiting around while one of us is at work
-lack of seeing you and not knowing when the next time is going to be
-talking on the phone

Reasons I’m glad we’ve stayed together
•Seeing how much we’ve grown
-we started this three years ago
-we’ve both graduated from college
-emotionally we have gone further than the moon together
-you’re in the fire department
-socially…well socially I don’t think we would recognize the people who used to be us
•You are my support
-I’ve dealt with a lot of stuff and you’ve been here
-you stayed even when it was tough to love me
-I knew that if I needed you no matter the time you’d try to be here
-you still think I’m beautiful when I cry with snot running to my lip
-you dealt/deal with the mess that I am during the process of becoming more independent and stronger

Reasons why I enjoy the relationship I have with you
•we get to be silly
-nutty ostrich
-big banquet
-booger eater
-dirty clothes wearer
•being able to do thing separately and together
-we aren’t attached at the hip
-you don’t mind me hanging out with my friends
-I would do these things anyway but that’s not a problem
-you do what you want and I do what I want
-when we are together, we’re able to be together
-we’ve worked really hard on being able to use our words
-topics of emotional distress to the mundane of day to day

Reasons why I’m hesitant to stay together
-you live just far enough away
-do we actually have anything in common other than we love each other and try to make it work, do you need more than that in a relationship
-I really like sex
-I’ve only slept with you for the last three years which means I’m not getting a lot of sex since we see each other at most four times a month and most of the time we see each other we don’t have sex
-it really helps me connect and sort through things and forget all in one
-I really don’t feel like you have a desire for sex
-I don’t want to hold you back
-resent me later because you didn’t follow what you wanted to do
-experience you could have gained elsewhere
-I’m not leaving my job before my contract is up and if they offer me full time I think I want it
•Moving in
-what if you move in and it doesn’t work
-uprooting everything you know and your identity

Reasons I don’t want to loose you
• you are my best friend
• I love you

Now if I actually tell Aaron about this list or what’s on it…


Stupid Wednesday

I’m really frustrated with work right at this moment. I don’t even know if it’s actually work that I’m frustrated with. I keep letting my feelings pile up instead of letting them come and go. Right now the pile includes but is not limited to
-I am on the stupid report because of a stupid email and stupid
-my mouth hurts. Not so much the tooth but just my jaw from the stupid crown temp thing that I had done yesterday
-I can’t chew and that’s making life a little more difficult right now
-I’ve taken three Otc pain meds already today and for some awful reason I thought I wouldn’t need any today so I’m beating myself up over it
-I’m not sure why I feel guilty for taking my ambien but I 100% have felt guilty for a while about it
-I wore stupid heels
– I’ve had a headache off and on for three days
Okay now that I listed the pile of unpleasant things maybe I’ll try to look at the other side of this?
-I have these really fancy heels that I think are cute and very me but still work appropriate
-I have dental insurance so my crown isn’t going to cost an arm and a leg just a leg and some fingers
-I live in a place that I have access to medicines that help with pain from my head and my tooth which is pretty awesome
-I’m at my job where I can come away from my desk to write this blog post about being upset and they are probably starting to notice that I’m gone but not in a why isn’t she doing work way but more on a I wonder where she is
-in just a few hours I can leave and go to my apartment where the beautiful Bella who will be so excited to see me and later pretty lady will come home
-tomorrow Aaron is coming so he can do more of the process of getting into the police academy
-baby D is learning how to talk
-this pain isn’t forever
-I am looking at the other side and it’s helping eliminate the hate fire I’m having
-I could eat apple sauce
Okay stupid Wednesday day bite me