In Memory of Bella

First off I would like to write about Bella’s last weekend. Friday was a typical day. I had to go to work, we did our morning walk. Aaron had came over Thursday night so she got to chill with him while I was working. They watched Netflix together and went for a walk. Friday night while we were out buying pillows I picked her up a new toy. She doesn’t really like toys unless Aaron gets her to play with them. Only a handful of times have I been able to get her to play. Friday night though, she played with that toy. Aaron played with her and I played with her. I remember telling Pretty Lady “nothing makes me happier than the moment I saw her run the corner with that toy in her mouth.”
I’ve recently bought Bella a dog bed. We have worked on getting her to use it. She would much rather sleep between Aaron and my legs but we have been working on giving her a place. In the last few weeks she’s slowly has started to figure out that when I said “down, down, down, Bella off” that it meant get off my freaking bed and lay on yours. Friday and Saturday she actually started off on her bed for the night and used the blanket she ripped as a pillow.
Saturday, Aaron and I had decided to utilize the beautiful day. We took her to a new park that had nature trails. She acted crazy, as if I’d never taker her in public. Barking and pulling at ever dog. Either lagging behind to sniff and pee on everything or pulling so hard it sounded like she might choke herself. The only time she acted like she had sense was when we got back to the car and I let her drink out of my cup. I watched one couple try to convince their dog to jump into the back of their vehicle. My dog just hops right in. You say go for a ride and she basically would drag you down the stairs.
Saturday night we watched Netflix and played video games while Bella just hung out with us. I took her on a late walk so maybe she would let us sleep past 9 am.
Sunday morning around 10 Aaron took her on what would be her last morning walk. I was so happy to have slept in and not have to put pants on to walk her. They came back and she did the normally jumping on the bed and hiding behind my legs.
We cooked bacon, eggs and cinnamon rolls for breakfast. The entire time Bella would try to sneak into the kitchen to lick up whatever I had dropped. We got to play the game where she’d sneak in and I’d say “back, back, backbackbackackackckck” and Aaron would ask her if she had to stand in the way, could she not go lay down and “outta tha kitchen” “Bella go” while we ate breakfast at the table she sat at the head of the table on the floor just looking at who ever was talking. She did the usual “I’m going to look at you and maybe you’ll give me food. What if I lay my head right here on your leg and then lick your hand? What if I sit here? Maybe here? What if I’m under the table?” At the end of breakfast we had one piece of bacon left that Aaron tried to trick her with by making her go out of the kitchen. It didn’t work. While cleaning up Aaron snuck the bacon to her but you knew he did cause of how excited she was.
After breakfast and a Google search or 7, we were going to try a different greenway. The weather was very spring in the beginning of February. We didn’t wear jackets, just tshirt. Bella tried on her two different harness for this walk. I didn’t want to deal with her craziness that was Saturday and Google helped me decide she needed to be back in her harness. We picked the black one and took the ride to the park with the windows down. She was a different dog. Aaron and I talked about it all day Sunday. She wasn’t the same dog. She was well behaved. She walked with us. She only pulled when other dogs were pulling too but only for a second. She also tired to pull Aaron while I was jogging but he said after I got out of site she just sniffed for me and stayed with him to the point that there was slack in the leash. Slack in the leash! Thats not my dog. He said that she didn’t even care about the other dogs on the way back, she just kept sniffing for me. When they got back to the car I had remembered her bowl this time and she got to have some water.
The greenway we had gone to had a creek. A few times while I was tired we’d stop to “let Bella drink” really to let me rest. Bella has never gotten to play in a creek that I’m away of. So every time we’d stop I’d walk a few rocks out and try to get her to come to me. It took a little bit but she finally wasn’t scared of the water. The last time we stopped she seemed to enjoy the water. She wasn’t sure of her footing but she investigated it with a sense of puppy wonder. She’d lift her paw, set it on top of the water then pick it up, set it down and try again.
Aaron took her up the stairs at the apartment while I waited in the car. We got food and came back. I took her for her last walk that we almost had down to a science. Then we were just hanging out. Doing our thing. It was about 11 pm and I needed to go to bed to get up for work. Bella was laying on the floor and Aaron watched her as she tried to stand up and she would fall down. I couldn’t get her to come to be so I told her “kennel” she stumbled into her kennel which wasn’t three feet away. Aaron helped me get her back out of the kennel. We tried to get her to stand or come on the bed or something, anything. I got her a cheese slice. I told Aaron if she didn’t eat the cheese slice there was a bigger problem, she didn’t eat it. She did respond to the wrapper my lifting her head but as if she was drunk it fell back down. I lifted her lip and it was pale. We went to the kitchen and she tired to follow but it was as if her legs weren’t working. She drug herself to my bathroom which isn’t her favorite place to be. I called the vet and they said she might just be overly tired from the walk. I explained some more and they said to bring her in. Aaron carried her and she didn’t growl or even care. I drove and he talked to her the whole way. The vets office was very nice and quick. She had a tumor on her spleen that ruptured. She was bleeding into her abdomen. It was either surgery or let her go. With surgery she might have 8 weeks and lots of vet visits. I made the impossible decision to have her put down.
I had my moment with her and got to talk to her about how she’s been the best thing in my life. It was okay for her to go. I wanted her to know that I loved her she is very loved. She was responsive for just a few more minutes with her head up but with time passing she became more unresponsive. It was time to make her not suffer. I held her and cried. I couldn’t have planned a better weekend for her. I couldn’t have asked for a better dog or best friend. We made each other so happy and brought joy into our lives.
Aaron and I have buried her at his house. Where she used to get to run around without her leash and dig holes in the red mud. She’d be so proud of how dirty she could get. This is where I need her to be.
I couldn’t have done this without Aaron. I kept hoping that once this was done I could come inside and Bella and I would just relax. I couldn’t have done the last year without Bella. I wouldn’t change it for the world. She has helped me grow in ways I never knew was possible. She is my everything. She was my hip. She was my support. She was my physical contact. She was my greeter. She was my companion. She is the love of my life. Even most of my blog post have been about Bella or at least mentioned Bella.
Bella. This doesn’t seem real. I’m ready to wake up now and have my feet tucked under her to keep my toes warm.


Let’s be honest

I’ve been hiding. I don’t want to face what’s going on.
I’ve been off my meds now and I’ve only vomited once in over two weeks.
My great grandma died and the funeral tomorrow. My dad left me a voicemail to let me know she was going to die. Why a voicemail? Because I don’t answer my phone. Why don’t we know how to use a phone? I think my family needs to take a phone edict class. My grandma texted my sister that great grandma had died.
Im getting my iud tomorrow. Im nervous about it.
I have a cold.
I also have feeling and it’s weird.
I do like that I turned on the wii to watch Netflix and Bella knew it was bedtime.


Then she lays on the remote. Like always.

100 happy days- day 10

Watching Netflix on the wii with Bella.


Bella is the best. She loves me unconditionally. She’s always able to make my day better. She is the reason I get out of bed most days. Normally because she has to pee but that counts. Right?

I’ve been busting ass at work and then I come home and I really miss the boys living here. I’ve gone to their new place a lot. We started going to their gym and my muscles hurt.

Our living room is empty. Like nothing other than the tv and my great aunts rocking chair.

Nothing Makes Me Feel Sexier Than…Shitting Myself

My partner and I both dislike driving. We have an agreement that I drive here and my partner drives there. I ask at dinner if my partner would drive the two miles back to my apartment, breaking our agreement. I should have know better…
On the way back my partner drove in the middle of the lanes, went 15 under the speed limit, speed up, slam on the brakes, no brakes on turns, two miles an hour over the speed bumps, and had to readjust the parking job twice. -_-
About two minutes into the drive I had a 911 emergency, Mexican food, I need to go to the bathroom right now type situation. I calmly said “Please stop. I need to poop.” Since all the driving craziness was happening, it took 5 more minutes for me to make it to unlock my door on the second floor of our apartment complex. By that time I knew I wasn’t going to make it.
I make it past the dog and I’m done. It’s already happening. I get to the bathroom door and can feel the shame.
I lock the door, clean up and take a shower. While I shower I contemplate what level of mad, upset, angry, sad, ashamed I am. I decide if my partner says anything about me being hateful I would lose my mind. When I finally left the bathroom my partner was washing dishes and had made me a drink. I decided to confess with just saying “Nothing makes me feel sexier than shitting myself.”
It was the only night we’ve had alone in the apartment in a while. We spent it cuddling and watching House MD on Netflix.

Dear insomnia,

You are the annoying friend I try to put up with. You come over uninvited and never get the hint to leave. You keep me up at all hours. You make me question what I’m doing with my life. I literally take medicine and tell you to go the fuck away. What do you do? Make me toss and turn. I really just don’t like you but you moved into my room and I can’t avoid you.
I guess sometimes it’s nice to hang out. We get to know each other. We contemplate important ideas, dumb concepts, hypothetical situations and listen to the train go buy. Some nights we even listen to the guy downstairs with his guitar.
Please don’t move out guy downstairs. You talk to my roommate and she says your really nice. I don’t hate you, I just don’t know what to say to you so I make my anxious uncomfortable face and keep walking. You only bang on the floor when I’m being even more obnoxious than normal, like the time I couldn’t figure out where to put the kitchen table and couldn’t pick it up. That was fair. More than fair.
I’m actually surprised how much you put up with. I really appreciate it. I know we are hella loud, all the time. We were kind of loud before we got the cats but after they came home with us the noise level significantly increased.
I really like to chase them around the apartment, even when I haven’t been drinking. Which was kind of the point in getting them. We were trying to give me a life line. Something to hold on to, to keep me here, to be connected to something. They are perfect. I don’t know how to really bond with them but I’m trying. I like to buy them toys.
They like to knock over the rocking chair most days. I know it scares the shit out of me while I’m home, I wonder what it sounds like downstairs. For a while, I tried to be more considerate, just leaving the chair laying on the floor unless we were using it. That was before my roommate came up with putting her weights on the bottom of the chair.
Then when I started dog sitting for my friend the noise level just increased. I don’t know if you could hear the cats running around playing with the Ping pong balls but I know you hear the dog walking. Your lady friend likes the dog, her dog doesn’t like the dog very much but the human does. I don’t know if your lady friend likes her dog though, she called her a fucking cunt.
I try to keep the dog from barking which isn’t too hard if she doesn’t see anyone outside or another dog. Just kidding, it was really hard for the first week.
Now I think I’m going to keep the dog for the summer and you seemed chill about it when you were petting the dog and asked how long she is staying. The dog really liked the interaction, she likes people.
She gets really excited and then people get excited and ask me questions about her and then I feel obligated to answer to the best of my ability. People have asked what type of dog she is and honestly if don’t know other than part husky. Then they ask if she is part “fill in the blank” and I smile and say yes that does sound familiar. The stranger walks away, head held high, shoulders back, the solved the dog mystery and were right! Other people ask if she is nice, does she bite, may I take a picture of her, how old is she, is she warring make up, what’s its name and other dog related questions.
She forces me to have social interactions that I would have never had by myself. For one, I would not leave the apartment at those times except for the fact that I want the dog to have fresh out door city air and leashed exercise.
I know I’m helping my friend by having to dog here but i think the dog may be helping me more. For example, now, I don’t feel bad for waking up the dog to just hang out with you, insomnia. We all three get to figure out the meaning of life or watch Netflix. She is the most chill. She is such a dog. I love the dog.
Stupid insomnia. Good dog. Netflix streaming. Downstairs neighbor. Kitties. #wehaveallthehair
Thank you insomnia for the opportunity to bond with dog. I am starting to think dog is your annoying friend now because she is taking away from my alone time with just you. I’m not sorry about that.
Tryin my best to be my best