This is the worst right now.
Bella and I would readjust. If it was a bad night she’d come closer to my face and I would get to pet her until I would fall back asleep. On good nights she’d just get tucked into the back of my leg more. And tonight’s a bad night and she’s not here at all.
There’s not this companion here. There’s not the comfort of breathing or a warm body.
My dog is dead. My 24 hour buddy is missing and I know exactly where she is and how she got there but I want nothing more than to have her here.
I haven’t taken my sleeping medicine in over a week. I’d actually been sleeping for the most part and when I wouldn’t Bella and I would hang out. No tv. No music. No worries. Just me and her. I took one tonight which I think has made it bearable to be here but now I’m awake. Realizing I’m also alone and very lonely.
I love my Bella. Some nights I would get frustrated that I couldn’t roll over without her having to follow. She literally wanted to be touching me at all times while we were sleeping and during the day she wanted to at very minimum have her eyes on me.
It was very disheartening at Aaron’s when I realized I hadn’t walked to the bathroom in a year by myself. I hadn’t walked outside without her. I knew where to find her by just turning around. Especially on days that I wasn’t feeling well, the harder emotional days she was right there to ground me.
I did set up my bed so I had her pillow to stick my feet under. She always had my toes warmed.
Bella I miss you. I still haven’t wrapped my head around that you’re gone. Thank you so much for the year that changed my life. Thank you for showing me how much I could love someone. Thank you for taking care of me and teaching me that I
was am able to be unconditionally loved. Thank you for loving me on days I loved myself and days where I don’t even like to be around me. Thank you for giving me purpose that I could tangible could be proud of. Thank you for keeping me honest Bella.
First off I would like to write about Bella’s last weekend. Friday was a typical day. I had to go to work, we did our morning walk. Aaron had came over Thursday night so she got to chill with him while I was working. They watched Netflix together and went for a walk. Friday night while we were out buying pillows I picked her up a new toy. She doesn’t really like toys unless Aaron gets her to play with them. Only a handful of times have I been able to get her to play. Friday night though, she played with that toy. Aaron played with her and I played with her. I remember telling Pretty Lady “nothing makes me happier than the moment I saw her run the corner with that toy in her mouth.”
I’ve recently bought Bella a dog bed. We have worked on getting her to use it. She would much rather sleep between Aaron and my legs but we have been working on giving her a place. In the last few weeks she’s slowly has started to figure out that when I said “down, down, down, Bella off” that it meant get off my freaking bed and lay on yours. Friday and Saturday she actually started off on her bed for the night and used the blanket she ripped as a pillow.
Saturday, Aaron and I had decided to utilize the beautiful day. We took her to a new park that had nature trails. She acted crazy, as if I’d never taker her in public. Barking and pulling at ever dog. Either lagging behind to sniff and pee on everything or pulling so hard it sounded like she might choke herself. The only time she acted like she had sense was when we got back to the car and I let her drink out of my cup. I watched one couple try to convince their dog to jump into the back of their vehicle. My dog just hops right in. You say go for a ride and she basically would drag you down the stairs.
Saturday night we watched Netflix and played video games while Bella just hung out with us. I took her on a late walk so maybe she would let us sleep past 9 am.
Sunday morning around 10 Aaron took her on what would be her last morning walk. I was so happy to have slept in and not have to put pants on to walk her. They came back and she did the normally jumping on the bed and hiding behind my legs.
We cooked bacon, eggs and cinnamon rolls for breakfast. The entire time Bella would try to sneak into the kitchen to lick up whatever I had dropped. We got to play the game where she’d sneak in and I’d say “back, back, backbackbackackackckck” and Aaron would ask her if she had to stand in the way, could she not go lay down and “outta tha kitchen” “Bella go” while we ate breakfast at the table she sat at the head of the table on the floor just looking at who ever was talking. She did the usual “I’m going to look at you and maybe you’ll give me food. What if I lay my head right here on your leg and then lick your hand? What if I sit here? Maybe here? What if I’m under the table?” At the end of breakfast we had one piece of bacon left that Aaron tried to trick her with by making her go out of the kitchen. It didn’t work. While cleaning up Aaron snuck the bacon to her but you knew he did cause of how excited she was.
After breakfast and a Google search or 7, we were going to try a different greenway. The weather was very spring in the beginning of February. We didn’t wear jackets, just tshirt. Bella tried on her two different harness for this walk. I didn’t want to deal with her craziness that was Saturday and Google helped me decide she needed to be back in her harness. We picked the black one and took the ride to the park with the windows down. She was a different dog. Aaron and I talked about it all day Sunday. She wasn’t the same dog. She was well behaved. She walked with us. She only pulled when other dogs were pulling too but only for a second. She also tired to pull Aaron while I was jogging but he said after I got out of site she just sniffed for me and stayed with him to the point that there was slack in the leash. Slack in the leash! Thats not my dog. He said that she didn’t even care about the other dogs on the way back, she just kept sniffing for me. When they got back to the car I had remembered her bowl this time and she got to have some water.
The greenway we had gone to had a creek. A few times while I was tired we’d stop to “let Bella drink” really to let me rest. Bella has never gotten to play in a creek that I’m away of. So every time we’d stop I’d walk a few rocks out and try to get her to come to me. It took a little bit but she finally wasn’t scared of the water. The last time we stopped she seemed to enjoy the water. She wasn’t sure of her footing but she investigated it with a sense of puppy wonder. She’d lift her paw, set it on top of the water then pick it up, set it down and try again.
Aaron took her up the stairs at the apartment while I waited in the car. We got food and came back. I took her for her last walk that we almost had down to a science. Then we were just hanging out. Doing our thing. It was about 11 pm and I needed to go to bed to get up for work. Bella was laying on the floor and Aaron watched her as she tried to stand up and she would fall down. I couldn’t get her to come to be so I told her “kennel” she stumbled into her kennel which wasn’t three feet away. Aaron helped me get her back out of the kennel. We tried to get her to stand or come on the bed or something, anything. I got her a cheese slice. I told Aaron if she didn’t eat the cheese slice there was a bigger problem, she didn’t eat it. She did respond to the wrapper my lifting her head but as if she was drunk it fell back down. I lifted her lip and it was pale. We went to the kitchen and she tired to follow but it was as if her legs weren’t working. She drug herself to my bathroom which isn’t her favorite place to be. I called the vet and they said she might just be overly tired from the walk. I explained some more and they said to bring her in. Aaron carried her and she didn’t growl or even care. I drove and he talked to her the whole way. The vets office was very nice and quick. She had a tumor on her spleen that ruptured. She was bleeding into her abdomen. It was either surgery or let her go. With surgery she might have 8 weeks and lots of vet visits. I made the impossible decision to have her put down.
I had my moment with her and got to talk to her about how she’s been the best thing in my life. It was okay for her to go. I wanted her to know that I loved her she is very loved. She was responsive for just a few more minutes with her head up but with time passing she became more unresponsive. It was time to make her not suffer. I held her and cried. I couldn’t have planned a better weekend for her. I couldn’t have asked for a better dog or best friend. We made each other so happy and brought joy into our lives.
Aaron and I have buried her at his house. Where she used to get to run around without her leash and dig holes in the red mud. She’d be so proud of how dirty she could get. This is where I need her to be.
I couldn’t have done this without Aaron. I kept hoping that once this was done I could come inside and Bella and I would just relax. I couldn’t have done the last year without Bella. I wouldn’t change it for the world. She has helped me grow in ways I never knew was possible. She is my everything. She was my hip. She was my support. She was my physical contact. She was my greeter. She was my companion. She is the love of my life. Even most of my blog post have been about Bella or at least mentioned Bella.
Bella. This doesn’t seem real. I’m ready to wake up now and have my feet tucked under her to keep my toes warm.