Missing my Bella 

I just went through my drafts and found this entry that I never posted. It’s still true, I miss Bella. I got to visit where she’s buried on Christmas. I haven’t gotten another dog yet. My grandmother has found a dog she is trying to talk me into keeping but it’s not Bella or a dog that I’d like to have. 

The below entry was written 331 days ago. 

I miss my schedule with Bella. Id wake up in the middle of the night and either she would already be touching me or I’d readjust to have my leg get heat from her. Unless it was super hot and I would try to move away from her and by the time I got comfortable she’d move closer. 

I’m glad she was in my life. 

Ambein

How long does it actually take for ambein to start working if you have been taking it for roughly 7 months?

I wonder if I can write this post before I just fall asleep or forget to go to sleep.

I want to continue to better myself. I want to work on sleeping better, which sounds wired now that I’ve typed it. I want to see the sunlight during the day. I want to eat in order to provide fuel for my body to do the things that I want to do like stretching. I want to become more flexible both physically and mentally.

I’m going to stop now because I can tell that I’m distracted and would rather read buzz feed articles rather than trying to figure out my feelings.

2 AM And She Calls Me Because I’m Still Awake

2 AM and she calls me because I’m still awake. Hummm hummm humm winter just wasn’t my session. Hummmm hhhuumm just breath. Juuuuust breath.
I don’t like taking my sleeping medicine all the time. It makes me have zero concept of time and I don’t remember what happens for about 5 hours. It also has stopped working as well because I have been taking it for so long. Since I don’t start my new job until the 3rd I’ve decided to not to take it tonight and see what happened…
I took a nap. Like a 2 hour nap. Now I’m restless and feel like I have past the point of no return. I’ve committed to not taking the meds tonight. No turning back now.
I laid here for a while. I’ve watched tv. I’ve listened to music. I’ve washed dishes. I organized the cabinets. I put together the book shelf I picked up today. I swept. I cleared the table off. I even folded some laundry. Now I’ve laid back down to see if I can sleep and that’s a fucking joke.
How did I used to do this all the time? How do you do it. I know I used to contemplate life, trying to find meaning, reason, but tonight I’m okay.
It’s weird being up late and not worrying about my safety. Since I’m not a threat to myself or others right now I’m trying to let my partner sleep. And by sleep I mean I’m trying to be quite so of course I turn on pandora radio and my phone is the loudest it can go. Then I try to grab my headphones off the nightstand and know most of the things in the floor. If I’m not sleeping doesn’t look like anyone gets to sleep.
Any suggestions on what I should do?