Bad night

This is the worst right now.
Bella and I would readjust. If it was a bad night she’d come closer to my face and I would get to pet her until I would fall back asleep. On good nights she’d just get tucked into the back of my leg more. And tonight’s a bad night and she’s not here at all.
There’s not this companion here. There’s not the comfort of breathing or a warm body.
My dog is dead. My 24 hour buddy is missing and I know exactly where she is and how she got there but I want nothing more than to have her here.
I haven’t taken my sleeping medicine in over a week. I’d actually been sleeping for the most part and when I wouldn’t Bella and I would hang out. No tv. No music. No worries. Just me and her. I took one tonight which I think has made it bearable to be here but now I’m awake. Realizing I’m also alone and very lonely.
I love my Bella. Some nights I would get frustrated that I couldn’t roll over without her having to follow. She literally wanted to be touching me at all times while we were sleeping and during the day she wanted to at very minimum have her eyes on me.
It was very disheartening at Aaron’s when I realized I hadn’t walked to the bathroom in a year by myself. I hadn’t walked outside without her. I knew where to find her by just turning around. Especially on days that I wasn’t feeling well, the harder emotional days she was right there to ground me.
I did set up my bed so I had her pillow to stick my feet under. She always had my toes warmed.
Bella I miss you. I still haven’t wrapped my head around that you’re gone. Thank you so much for the year that changed my life. Thank you for showing me how much I could love someone. Thank you for taking care of me and teaching me that I was am able to be unconditionally loved. Thank you for loving me on days I loved myself and days where I don’t even like to be around me. Thank you for giving me purpose that I could tangible could be proud of. Thank you for keeping me honest Bella.


7 Weeks Vomiting-Please help

Tuesday will mark 7 weeks of vomiting. Please, please, please if you have any suggestions please let me know.

During these 7 weeks I have been told it might be abdominal migraines, psychosomatic vomiting and cyclic vomiting syndrome all of which they have decided isn’t what it is.

I have had a ton of urine test, blood test, MRI of my head, upper endoscopy, ultra sound of my gallbladder and some other things in my belly that all have came back normal. Health. Perfect.

I have been on birth control pills for several years. A history of anxiety and depression that I’ve been working on. I was put on anti depressants while in college. The plan was to take me off of them but then my doctor moved away and now I’m consider untouchable.

I completely agree that stress and anxiety can make someone vomit BUT I don’t believe that is what’s going on with me right now in these last few weeks. It’s happened before I completely 100% believe and agree that vomiting and anxiety can have a correlation. The only problem with this concept for me right now is this is the most stable I’ve felt in a really really long time. I’m okay. Yeah I’ve been vomiting for 7 weeks and my life seems to be falling apart on the aspect of I can’t keep things down. Doctors suck. I have been dealing with this depression part of my life since I was 10 but I’ve learned a lot of positive coping skills. I’ve figured out breathing stuff and how to reduce my anxiety in positive ways. I haven’t cut in a few months. HOLY SHIT SERIOUSLY!! I haven’t cut in several months. The other day I saw my scares and it was okay. It was okay. I said it was okay and I actually let it be okay. Cutting was a part of my life and will always be part of my past but I want it to stay a part of the past. I want it to be on the side of negative coping skills. Not in just the list of coping that I do. I don’t want it to be in the list. It is a way of coping but not in one I want to do. With that being said I want to believe that it’s from the hard work I’ve put in and the working through things and ME. I want to be proud of me. I want to think that I played some part of getting here. I want to give myself credit. I want to believe that I can keep this up. I want to be the person that believes in myself. The medicines were awful and wonderful and frustrating. Some made things worse, some made things a little better, some made me feel almost nothing. Wait! Back to the point. Focus.

I’ve been vomiting. Suggests? Am I missing something? Is there a key factor? No, I’m not pregnant. 2 at home test and 5 blood test have confirmed. I’ll have them check again tomorrow. What do I ask them tomorrow? How do I proceed? Can I just stop going to see the doctor?

Side note- I really don’t think Doctors suck, I’m just really frustrated.

Some days I just want to cut

Some days are just bad. That’s part of why I started this blog so I could have a place for all the days not just the good ones. A place where I could still say what needs to be said. A place of my own outside of my head. Just a place.

Somedays the urge to self harm is overwhelming. Today, yesterday, most of the week has been one of those days. I wonder if this is just how it’s going to be forever.
Somedays the urge is just the only thing I hear but is that what I want to keep in my safety net.
My safety net should have “safe” things in it like writing…like right now. Trying to make me feel better. But I know that self harm will also make me feel better with the rush I feel.
I’m tired and want to stop fighting the urge.
Either go away urge or I’m scared I’ll give into you.