I’m struggling with a lot of things today
Bella, counseling, us, weekends, the cats, apartment, moving, work, job, life choices, money, the weather.
I’m on the ride of downward spiral and I haven’t found where to get off.
Aaron suggested I try to only focus on two things because that is as enough to overwhelm anyone. He is completely correct! That’s way too much to handle.
Which two do I not want to deal with today? Money and deciding where/if I want to go back to school (I forgot that’s on my list too).
I have no control over the weather so fuck that one.
I make life choices all the time so I can’t really worry about that.
Job and work. Right now that’s okay and settled for the most part.
I’m not moving to a new apartment any time in the next month so today might not be the best time to worry about that.
I could buy the cats a scratching post and make a rule that they aren’t allowed in my room. Or just don’t let them in my room.
Aaron understands that I need weekends or time and quality time with him. He is aware of that, so I shouldn’t waste brain space or texting on that. He knows it. I know it. It’s there. For is to keep a strong relationship I need for us to have the time. Like watching movies on FaceTime 😁 I liked that. So my brain would be happier if I calmed the fuck down about that. We will figure it out or we won’t. We are on the right track of making it stronger and for us being happy. Yeah it sucks sometimes but it’s really good a lot of the time
Counseling. I have one scheduled for the 10th. I can make it that long. I really can but would it be more beneficial to have one sooner? What is it that I’m wanting out of counseling?
I think I want more validation. I want to be able to feel the hurt again and let it be okay. I know it’s okay and I’m trying to validate myself. I know I need to find something to occupy my time and body but that’s hard. I want to walk away with a plan of action but I know I can come up with one on my own. Not really on my own, I still would like the reliability of having someone else be aware.
And this is where we come full circle again. Bella gave me purpose and company. She was the positive in my life and my balance. What will give me balance now? I want to dive into something but what? Exercise? I strongly dislike exercise. Why do I dislike it so much? Because what if I fail? What if I give up? I don’t know how to properly do anything. The word anything is all or nothing thinking. I know how to do something’s but I don’t enjoy them because they challenge me. I am scared of being challenged and not being able to follow through. Which is the same fears I have about the GRE and going back to school.
I’m scared of failure. What is failure anyway? How do I want to define failure, not how I think others see it? Is failure not trying? Is failure trying but not succeeding? What is successful then? Meeting a goal? Working towards a goal? Having a goal? It has to be more than just having a goal and failure is more than than trying and not ending up where you “wanted” to be.
What is successful and failure to you?


Going home

I don’t have to go home after work because Bella doesn’t have to pee. She’s dead and buried at Aarons.
The closer it gets time to leave the harder it’s getting. Monday and Tuesday’s I’d go home take her for a quick walk, change and we’d go to the boys. Last week I waited for pretty lady to come home to go with us. I was tired so I laid down and got her to come lay at my head. I petted her until I fell asleep. Only to wake up when pretty lady came in the hall and asked if we were leaving. She was still sleeping there with me in the same position.
This week I guess I’ll go home and change then head to the boys.
My dog is dead.

Thoughts at work

I’m frustrated. I think because I want the play button to be pushed but once that happens I’ll want it to slow down. I’m worried that I’m just not happy. I’m not okay. That my depression has laid it’s blanket down and is ready to stay a while. I’m not looking forward to anything. Nothing. Everything seems pointless again and overwhelming and I’d rather not deal with any of it but I don’t have anything is rather be doing which really bothers me. I wouldn’t rather be hanging out with bella, watching Netflix, going on adventures, organizing, blogging, exercising, at my partners house, or anything else. I’d rather be sleeping and not moving but that isn’t even what I really want. If I give into that I won’t get over the hump any faster.

Holiday Party for Work

I’ve been dreading it. I’ve decided a few times that I’m not going. Then I change my mind. I don’t know what it is that makes it so difficult to go.
I walked out of the apartment this morning in my dress and heels with makeup plastered to my face. This isn’t me. This isn’t what I do. This isn’t how I present myself. I’m not going to be anyone’s trophy, dolled up so pretty. I don’t want your money. I don’t want your looks. I want to be valued because I am human not because I can show off my big rack.
My stomach was in knots for most of 24 hours. My plus one stopped texting me so I thought I going to get out of going.
It was crazy how much emphasis was being put on this one 4 hour party. There was a crazy amount of money spent on the party.
I was terrified. There was going to be people, lots of people. People I work with. People that I will probably see again. The entire company was invited. I hate social events. I hate being in crowds especially when the crowd is my peers. I have anxiety out the roof and I didn’t know if I could contain myself. If I could compose enough to follow through on going.
My plus one had lost his phone. Which I thought was a lie but hey who knows people really do lose their phones. All day at work I was only half there cause I kept trying to figure out if I really wanted to go. At 4 my date texted me saying he was running late. His scheduled time of arrival was supposed to be 5 so I was expecting him to say 5:45, 6, 6:30 idk. Nope 5:10. He was running 10 minutes behind. Which in my world is on time. I run late for everything.
We went to the bar before the party and drank a little. I tried to explain that I haven’t been drinking since I have been sick. Then we went to the holiday party. It was super fancy, they had food and open bar of beers and wines. My date found a name tag sticker on the ground and was Kathy all night. I thought it was brilliant.
I ended up having a great night. We stayed for the whole party and went out afterwards where my date bought some guy a drink for his birthday.



I didn’t go home for thanksgiving

This year I decided to not go home for thanksgiving. I had the option to take off work or to work. I wanted to stay here. I didn’t want to go home. I have the opportunity to be useful and make money at work. We are short staffed this week because of the holiday and it’s not “fun” but it’s my job.
I actually have a job which is something incredibly awesome to be thankful for. I do have a family which I am thankful for. I also live 2 hours away and have a choice.
My family is upset but won’t say it. They moved it to Saturday but I am still not going. Then they said they are going to come see me Sunday.
Instead of dysfunctional family that I end up feeling worse about myself when I see them then if I don’t I went to my friend/coworkers house. I got to eat and have wonderful company. I enjoyed myself. I really really did.
I feel guilty for not going home but I’m feeling the best I’ve felt in like a week. I’ve been stressed out and upset but today got me to a place where I smiled and laughed and felt whole. I got through a whole thanksgiving without wanting to kill myself or cut or do anything that would harm me or others AND with no medication. Which is so freaking awesome I can’t even explain how awesome that is!!
Maybe it’s okay. Maybe I’m okay.




Stupid Wednesday

I’m really frustrated with work right at this moment. I don’t even know if it’s actually work that I’m frustrated with. I keep letting my feelings pile up instead of letting them come and go. Right now the pile includes but is not limited to
-I am on the stupid report because of a stupid email and stupid
-my mouth hurts. Not so much the tooth but just my jaw from the stupid crown temp thing that I had done yesterday
-I can’t chew and that’s making life a little more difficult right now
-I’ve taken three Otc pain meds already today and for some awful reason I thought I wouldn’t need any today so I’m beating myself up over it
-I’m not sure why I feel guilty for taking my ambien but I 100% have felt guilty for a while about it
-I wore stupid heels
– I’ve had a headache off and on for three days
Okay now that I listed the pile of unpleasant things maybe I’ll try to look at the other side of this?
-I have these really fancy heels that I think are cute and very me but still work appropriate
-I have dental insurance so my crown isn’t going to cost an arm and a leg just a leg and some fingers
-I live in a place that I have access to medicines that help with pain from my head and my tooth which is pretty awesome
-I’m at my job where I can come away from my desk to write this blog post about being upset and they are probably starting to notice that I’m gone but not in a why isn’t she doing work way but more on a I wonder where she is
-in just a few hours I can leave and go to my apartment where the beautiful Bella who will be so excited to see me and later pretty lady will come home
-tomorrow Aaron is coming so he can do more of the process of getting into the police academy
-baby D is learning how to talk
-this pain isn’t forever
-I am looking at the other side and it’s helping eliminate the hate fire I’m having
-I could eat apple sauce
Okay stupid Wednesday day bite me

Work on a Friday

I am kinda wanting to hit everyone upsidethahead right now. Everyone is acting like it’s Friday afternoon
I need help GDI. Help me! This work isn’t going to just magically get done and then Monday when it’s on the report saying we suck ass it’s because we suck ass.

On the more positive side of things I’m feeling well enough to even care enough that I need help and no one is wanting work today.

I went from Sunday until Thursday morning without vomiting. Which smashed! SMASHED! My previous record. Now I haven’t vomited for a little over 24 hours which while in the world of normal every week isn’t that great but for me this is wonderful. I’ve only vomited twice in 5 days holy cow that’s amazing.

Okay back to trying to get someone to help me.